Another six day week had left me feeling entitled to a quiet Sunday, and it certainly started off that way yesterday morning. In the early afternoon, however, as my cat Twinkle and I lounged on the couch in the living room, my land line rang. Caller ID couldn’t tell me who it was, so I pondered through the first three rings whether I should answer or let it roll over to voice mail. Having just finished a seven thousand word article on alt-right trolls in the latest issue of the New Yorker, though, I concluded that I had had enough reading for the moment and wouldn’t mind talking to somebody. So on the fourth ring, I answered.
Tom: Hello, who is it?
Male Voice: This is Evan McMullin. May I speak to Tom Collins?
Tom: This is he. Where did you get this number?
McMullin: Rand Paul gave it to me.
Tom: I see. What can I do for you?
McMullin: Ah, well, uh… I guess that sort of depends. I’ve been told you offer free consultations.
Tom: For the first one, yes, there’s no charge. It’s part of my marketing strategy.
McMullin: So I can discuss issues with you and get your advice and not receive a bill?
Tom: Since this is your initial consultation, yes.
McMullin: Whew! Well, that’s a relief, because I’ve seen your rates, and all I can say is… wow! Do people really give you that kind of money just to talk to you?
Tom: As the venerable aphorism has it, sir, you get what you pay for.
McMullin: Hmm, interesting. They say you’re the smartest person in Washington, DC.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
McMullin: Baltimore? That’s a hotbed of liberals and progressives, isn’t it?
Tom: And Democratic machine politics. No place for a conservative Mormon to go looking for votes, that’s for sure. Now, how can I help you?
McMullin: Um, I guess for starters, I’d like to know what you think about my Twitter war with Donald Trump.
Tom: You mean the one that started Saturday after he called you a puppet for the never-Trump Republicans and you tweeted back that while he was sexually harassing women at his beauty pageants, you were out in foreign lands bravely fighting terrorism?
McMullin: Ah, yeah, words to that effect, basically.
Tom: Keep on antagonizing him. Since hardly anyone outside of Utah knows who you are, the more you can get Donald Trump to say about you, the better.
McMullin: Even if it’s total lies?
Tom: Especially if it’s total lies. Those are the Trump tweets that get re-tweeted the most. Those are the Trump tweets the media go nuts about, repeating them over and over again on national television. And every one of them will have your name in it, and that’s essential. If you want to win the presidential race in Utah ten days from now, you have to get people all over America asking each other, “Who’s Evan McMullin?” That way, the people in Utah will perceive you as an important national figure, not some regional Don Quixote tilting at windmills in Salt Lake City and Provo. You have to get the media in Utah talking about you, constantly. You have to…
McMullin: Yeah, okay, I understand. I’ll do that. But I think you’re getting at my major issue-slash-question here, which is how to handle the situation when I’m president of the United States.
Tom: Excuse me, sir, but have you been drinking? It’s a bit early for that, you know.
McMullin: Absolutely not! I’m a Mormon. We don’t drink – alcohol, anyway.
Tom: Okay, then, have you been drinking something else – a quad caramel macchiato from some place like Starbucks, for instance?
McMullin: No, Mormons don’t take anything with caffeine in it; no coffee, no tea, not even chocolate.
Tom: All right, then, has anyone fed you anything containing mushrooms today?
McMullin: Nope.
Tom: Have you by any chance been offered and subsequently consumed any baked goods having an unusual, earthy, herbal flavor?
McMullin: I had cereal and milk for breakfast and beef noodle soup for lunch.
Tom: Very well, then, Mr. McMullin, in that case, I assume you are not under the care of a physician who has prescribed any psychotropic pharmaceuticals, which you have inadvertently neglected to take on schedule within the last forty-eight to seventy-two hours?
McMullin: None whatsoever. My health is excellent. As a matter of fact, I’m much more physically fit than Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jill Stein or Gary Johnson.
Tom: I’m sure you are, sir. Mind if I put this on speaker? My cat wants to listen.
McMullin: Your cat? How do you know?
Tom: She just told me.
McMullin: Huh? Um, okay, sure, go ahead.
Tom: All right then, would you care to explain how a candidate with a general name recognition approximately equivalent to Gloria La Riva…
McMullin: Who?
Tom: Exactly my point, sir. Gloria Estela La Riva is the 2016 Socialism and Liberation Party candidate for president of the United States. Like you, hardly anyone knows she’s running. Like you, she’s not on the ballot in all fifty states and the District of Columbia. But unlike you, however, she actually started her campaign at a reasonable time, not this August, as you did, which will allow her to be written in everywhere, whereas you missed the deadline to qualify as a write-in candidate in Nevada, South Dakota, Illinois, Oklahoma, Indiana, Mississippi, North Carolina and Florida. Now, tell me, do you think Gloria Estela La Riva has any reasonable expectation of becoming president of the United States?
McMullin: No, of course not.
Tom: But you do?
McMullin: Yes.
Tom: Good Lord Almighty, man, how?
McMullin: Please don’t swear.
Tom: Are you telling me the phrase “Good Lord Almighty” qualifies as swearing?
McMullin: It does if you’re a Mormon.
Tom: Okay, sorry about that. Oh, my goodness gracious, then, could you please explain your reasoning?
McMullin: I win Utah and siphon off enough votes in Idaho, Colorado, New Mexico, Minnesota, Iowa, Arkansas, Louisiana, Virginia, Kentucky and South Carolina to deadlock Trump and Clinton in the Electoral College, thus throwing the election into the House of Representatives.
Tom: And the House has a Republican majority.
McMullin: And a vast majority of its Republican members hate Donald Trump.
Tom: And all of them absolutely despise Hillary Clinton.
McMullin: Right.
Tom: So you figure they’re going to choose you?
McMullin: Absolutely.
Tom: Why?
McMullin: Because I’m a genuine conservative, not a fake one like Trump, and besides, my establishment credentials are impeccable. I’m a former CIA operations officer and former House Republican Conference Policy Director. Plus, I can be counted on not to blow up the world in a nuclear holocaust like Donald Trump would, given half the chance.
Tom: Very well then, let’s assume all that happens and next January you’re sworn in as president of the United States. In that case, what do you want to know?
McMullin: Well, I guess first of all, after that happens, I imagine there are going to be a significant number of um… disgruntled voters, particularly Trump supporters.
Tom: So, you suspect that having Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, whichever one they favor, replaced by the House of Representatives with somebody they have never heard of might make certain members of the electorate rather upset?
McMullin: I believe there’s a distinct possibility. There might be – oh, I don’t know, demonstrations…
Tom: Riots is more like it.
McMullin: Okay, riots. What should I do about them?
Tom: Nothing.
McMullin: Nothing?
Tom: Riots are a problem for mayors, city managers, police commissioners and so forth, the municipal and county officials whose job it is to maintain civil order. On the other hand, you’re the president of the United States. Don’t get involved.
McMullin: You mean, if there are riots over me being selected to be president by the House of Representatives, I should just ignore them?
Tom: Well, I would recommend you do nothing further than holding a press conference, anyway.
McMullin: A press conference?
Tom: Right – and don’t mention the riots in your opening statement, either. Wait until you are asked about them.
McMullin: Okay. What do I say?
Tom: Praise the wisdom of our Founding Fathers who wrote the Constitution which created the Electoral College and provided a mechanism for the House of Representatives to break its deadlocks. Observe how good our system has proven to be, because this is only the second time in our history that it has been necessary to employ the critical safety net for democracy which placed you in the White House.
McMullin: “Safety net” sounds good. Do I have to say “democracy,” though? Can’t I say “this critical safety net for our republic” instead?
Twinkle: Idiot!
McMullin: Whoa! What was that?
Tom: My cat.
McMullin: It makes some pretty strange noises.
Tom: Don’t they all?
McMullin: Humph! I guess so. Anyway, you think all I need to do is give a press conference and say how great the Constitution is and what geniuses the Founding Fathers were to dream up the Electoral College and what a great safety net the House of Representatives is and leave it at that?
Tom: Like I said, you’re the president. Riots are not in your bailiwick. Besides, most of them won’t last very long.
McMullin: Why not?
Tom: Because it takes a lot of time and energy to riot; plus, most voters have jobs and families. Overarching responsibilities for those things will serve as key limiting factors in the overwhelming majority of cases.
McMullin: But what if some of the riots – you know, the inner cities, for instance – what if there’s arson and looting and so forth?
Tom: Unless the governor of an affected state asks you to declare a disaster area or federalize the National Guard, occupy your time doing things a president of the United States should do. Believe me, there’s going to be plenty of that, and you don’t need to be wasting your time with crowd control.
McMullin: Okay, I understand. So the next thing I want to ask about is how to deal with the matrimonial angle.
Tom: What matrimonial angle? You’re single. You’re forty. Being president of the United States will make you one of the most eligible bachelors on the entire planet. If you want to get married, I’m sure you will be able to find someone absolutely splendid.
McMullin: That’s just it, see – there’s this nice pair of sisters I’ve been thinking about getting started with…
Tom: What? Oh, that’s right – you’re a Mormon.
McMullin: Yeah. I mean, if it’s okay for gays to get married and for a teenage boy to change into a teenage girl and get married to a teenage girl who changed into a teenage boy and it’s okay for both of them to use the same bathroom at Lincoln Center, why should there be a problem with a Mormon president moving into the White House with a couple of wives? Or three or four, for that matter? Think of the advantages – all those extra public appearances representing the White House at important civic and political events, for example.
Tom: Ah, yes, of course. Since polygamy laws are much more likely to be an issue in the District of Columbia than they are in Utah, however, I would advise that you select one wife to be First Lady and only have her live in the White House.
McMullin: What about the other ones?
Tom: Well, just as JFK had Hyannis Port, Lyndon Johnson had the LBJ Ranch, Ronald Reagan had Rancho del Cielo and Nixon had La Casa Pacifica, I suggest that you set up a suitable “Utah White House” and corral your bevy of Mormon sister-wives there.
McMullin: Do you think I could rotate them in and out of Washington?
Tom: No, I think that it would be much better to maintain a single First Lady that the public can recognize and identify with. Remember that most Americans don’t pay that much attention to national affairs – no pun intended – and therefore, if they get the idea that one particular woman is the First Lady and then they see you with another one, they will be likely to conclude you are some kind of philandering, horn-dog skunk like Bill “Slick Willie” Clinton, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want them to think something like that.
McMullin: Oh, no, I definitely wouldn’t. Okay, well, then the next thing I wanted to ask you about is about my first one hundred days.
Tom: Very important for establishing your agenda.
McMullin: Yes, I know. So – one of my first major initiatives will be to do something about all those evil things that contain alcohol, nicotine or caffeine. What would you recommend?
Tom: Practically speaking, the president can’t overtly ban the use of such items. I’d suggest you pursue the traditional strategy of discouraging consumption through increased excise taxes.
McMullin: Increased taxes? I’m a rock-ribbed conservative! We abhor taxation! How can I possibly rationalize doing something like that?
Tom: You wouldn’t be taxing productive activity, like income tax does – you’d be taxing sin.
McMullin: Taxing sin?
Tom: Correct. And, as we both know, identifying other people’s behavior as sinful and then doing something to interfere with it is the essence of conservatism.
McMullin: That’s right! So it is! What do you think I should do then?
Tom: Select a percentage excise tax increase and a doubling period for it. Then impose it according to a strict timetable.
McMullin: Where’d you get an idea like that?
Tom: King George III.
McMullin: Oh, excellent. You can’t get much more conservative than that, can you? How about I impose a five hundred percent increase for starters, doubling every year thereafter?
Twinkle: Putz!
McMullin: Was that your cat again?
Tom: Uh, yeah.
McMullin: Unusual animal you have there.
Tom: Oh, not that unusual. You want to encourage Americans to live a clean lifestyle, I take it?
McMullin: Absolutely. As a Mormon, I consider the body to be a sacred vessel bestowed upon us by the Lord, which should never be defiled with Satanic poisons.
Tom: I would caution you to expect some push-back from the beer, wine, distillery, tobacco, e-cigarette, vaping, coffee, tea, chocolate and soft drink industries.
McMullin: No doubt about that. So – how do I go about pressing for Congressional legislation?
Tom: Actually, I recommend you issue a series of executive orders instead.
McMullin: Really?
Tom: It’s an which approach worked just fine for Obama, and I think it’s tailor made for you, too.
McMullin: Really?
Tom: Yep.
McMullin: Okay, executive orders it is, then. Should I also use them to implement my right-to-life agenda?
Tom: No, for that I’d recommend you go to Congress with a comprehensive legislative program and back that up with appropriate Supreme Court nominations.
McMullin: Done and done, then. Now, how about temple work?
Tom: Are you referring to the practice of going to a Mormon temple, such as the one located here in Bethesda, Maryland, donning sacred underwear, undergoing ritual purification, becoming anointed of an elder and then performing extensive arcane supernatural practices with the intent of retroactively transforming the souls of people who died Catholic, Jewish, Methodist, Baptist, Episcopalian, Hindu, Shinto, Buddhist, Moslem, et cetera, into Mormons?
McMullin: Sure. That’s what Mormon temples are for. They’re not churches, you know. Look, all those saved souls get their very own planet in Heaven. I’d say that’s a much better deal than most of them expected, wouldn’t you?
Twinkle: Bozo!
McMullin: Mr. Collins, could I request that you either take us off speaker phone or send your cat out of the room?
Tom: Certainly. Twinkle, go down in the basement and play with your big blue ball of yarn.
Twinkle: [Expletive] moron!
McMullin: Mr. Collins, I have reason to suspect your cat is in significant danger of going to Hell.
Tom: I will be sure to take that into account and light a candle for her at the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. Also, since my cat has left the room, I have switched back to my land line telephone hand set.
McMullin: Good. So, anyway, when I’m the first Mormon president of the United States, what approach should I take in order to get Congress to order the Department of Health and Human Services to issue requests for proposal to expend federal funds for the performance of temple work?
Tom: Actually, that sounds like another mission that would be best addressed by an executive order.
McMullin: Okay, executive order it is.
Tom: And as far as the appropriate instrumental agency, I’d suggest the National Endowment for the Humanities. It would be much easier to get the necessary appropriations passed.
McMullin: If you say so. Okay, now, moving on to the Second Amendment…
Tom: I assume you would like to make sure every red-blooded American patriot can own a personal stinger missile system with which they can shoot down those pesky United Nation black helicopters?
McMullin: Oh, very funny. No, I just want to make sure every red-blooded American patriot can own as many assault rifles as they want and be able to purchase whatever ammunition they want to use with them, that’s all.
Tom: No hand grenades? No bazookas?
McMullin: Oh, no, that’s… well, that’s just nutty, that’s what that is.
Tom: Gun-nutty.
McMullin: Just plain nutty, if you ask me. I mean, people don’t need howitzers in their back yards or anything like that. They should be able to go deer hunting with an AR-15 and some teflon-coated, depleted uranium bullets, that’s all. Good sportsmanship, recreational shooting, that sort of thing.
Tom: Me oh my, Mr. McMullin, you’re making me blush – you’re not one of those Second Amendment moderates, are you?
McMullin: Bottom line, I’m for reasonable firearms policy. Being from Utah, we know what’s appropriate shooting and what’s beyond the Pale, so to speak.
Tom: Sounds like the best thing for you to do on Second Amendment issues would be to work with Congress to roll back liberal federal gun control laws.
McMullin: Got it – steady as she goes on the Second Amendment. Now, how about economic policy? Right off the bat, I’d say bring back the Laffer curve, encourage job creation by increasing capital gains deductions and abolish the death tax. How’s that sound?
Tom: Sounds like you’re a dyed-in-the-wool conservative of whom William F. Buckley would be very proud.
McMullin: Gee, I certainly appreciate you saying that. But do you think it would be a good idea?
Tom: Rest assured sir, whatever someone like you would do to the American economy, the election of either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will do much worse.
McMullin: Hey, all right! Excellent! What better endorsement could a presidential candidate hope for?
Tom: Rest assured, I can’t think of one. Goodbye, Mr. McMullin.
McMullin: Uh, yeah, have a nice day.
Tom: You, too.