The rotating location for the Martini / Palikowski extended family Christmas dinner this year is the home of my brother Rob Roy, his wife Katje and son Jason in Falls Church, Virginia. When this is the case, technically speaking, Katje is responsible for preparation of the food. But as frequent readers of this Web log know, Katje is a militant vegan. Therefore, practically speaking, on years when she is in charge of Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner it has been customary for my sister Rose and her sister-in-law, Shannon, to bring the ingredients for, and subsequently cook, the traditional dishes at Katje’s house.
Now, as regular readers of this Web log also know, it has been several years since Shannon was available to help out, since she ran off to a remote part of West Virginia with Rose’s husband, Hank, to prepare for the End Times, which, fortunately, have yet to arrive. Since then, I have been filling in as Rose’s sous chef for the turkey, ham, pies, cakes, fudge and the customary assortment of gluten-laden breads, rolls and pastries expected on American feast days. This is because, aside from the women of the family, I am the only person who knows how to cook. Rob Roy, Jason and Shannon’s husband, Arthur, couldn’t boil an egg without ruining it and making a complete mess in the kitchen to boot.
So when Gretchen told me Friday morning that Katje was on Line Two, I assumed she was calling to discuss the Christmas dinner logistics. However, I was wrong.
Katje: Hi, Tom!
Tom: Hi, Katje, what’s up?
Katje: You busy right now?
Tom: I’m between appointments, actually. The last one finished up early – the client was anxious to do some last-minute holiday shopping.
Katje: Oh, great, because I have Rob and Jason on the living room and basement extensions and we need to talk to you about something important.
Tom: You mean, something more important than Christmas dinner at your house on Sunday?
Jason: Way more important!
Tom: Okay, what?
Katje: Fake news!
Tom: Okay, what about fake news?
Rob: It’s what got Donald Trump elected president, that’s what!
Tom: Well, I’d say it’s one of several factors, actually.
Katje: And it’s a very important one, Tom! See, we all took the twenty-third off from work to get the house ready for Christmas, and while we were doing that, we started talking about things and then we realized what an important factor fake news is, not only in the election, but throughout American politics!
Jason: Right! It’s a major influence in favor of reactionaries, conservatives, white supremacists and racists, and that’s a major problem!
Rob: And so then we started brainstorming about how to set up a fake news site!
Tom: You mean, you three rabid liberals want to start making up fake news stories and disseminating them on the Internet?
Rob: Exactly!
Katje: We’re going to fight fire with fire!
Tom: Um… the fire department typically uses water, you know.
Rob: Well, not this time! This will be the exception that proves the rule!
Tom: That’s not what the expression, “The exception that proves the rule” is really supposed to mean, actually.
Jason: Who cares what it’s really supposed to mean? It’s 2016! Facts don’t amount to doodly squat anymore! Anybody can choose any old bunch of facts they want! How about we write a fake news story that Donald Trump starts out every day eating a big, hot bowl of [REDACTED – Friends of Tom Collins Editor 7, 12/24/2016], for instance?
Tom: That’s ridiculous. If there’s anything fake Internet news stories have proved, it’s that the lie being pushed has to sound believable. And face it, Jason, nobody’s going to believe that Donald Trump has a big bowl of steaming [REDACTED – FTCE 7, 12/24/16] for breakfast.
Rob: Then how about we say he [REDACTED – FTCE 5, 12/25/16]? You gotta admit, there really are people who do that, aren’t there?
Katje: Yeah, didn’t some Indian Prime Minister to do that?
Tom: All right, I’ll concede that there are, in fact, people who do that, and Morarji Desai was one of them. And I’d even go so far as to observe that making outrageous, shocking statements about politicians has been an American tradition longer than celebrating Christmas has. But the kind of things you’re suggesting would be more in place back in the early nineteenth century than they would be today.
Katje: You mean, like when Thomas Jefferson called John Adams a hermaphrodite?
Tom: Actually, it was a newspaper friendly to Jefferson, The Richmond Examiner, who called Adams a hermaphrodite, but if you read the original article, it’s obvious that the statement is a metaphor about Adam’s character, not a claim about his physiology.
Rob: Yeah, well, back then, people knew the difference between facts and fantasy; but these days, not so much. It’s 2016, and the Oxford English Dictionary Word of the the Year is “post-truth.”
Tom: And the truth there is, with the OED declaring “post-truth” to be a word, the demise of the English language is now utter and complete.
Jason: Oh, maybe, but who cares? I mean, really, why couldn’t we say that Donald Trump is a physical hermaphrodite?
Rob: It’s no more untrue than claiming Barack Obama is a Kenyan!
Katje: Or saying he’s a communist, or a Muslim, or the Antichrist!
Jason: Hell, when you get right down to it, saying Donald Trump is a hermaphrodite is no more untrue than the average headline on Breitbart!
Katje: Right – let him pull down his pants and prove it’s a lie!
Jason: Talk about fact checking!
Rob: I guess we’d see if Marco Rubio’s remark about Trump’s hands is bull [expletive] or not, too!
Tom: Tell me, why are you guys suddenly so interested in starting a fake news site, anyway?
Katje: Pardon the expression, Tom, but just look at the facts: a BuzzFeed News analysis showed that this year, fake news stories generated more total user engagement on Facebook than real news stories!
Tom: Meaning what, specifically?
Rob: Meaning, obviously, that Internet users no longer exhibit any kind of preferential response to reality. What they want to do now is read and believe in fantasy.
Tom: Carefully constructed fantasy, perhaps.
Rob: All right, point taken. So we don’t want to write a fake news story that says aliens from Alpha Centauri are controlling Donald Trump’s mind using sub-space telepathic waves – instead, we should write a fake news story which says that Putin has inserted a microchip in Trump’s brain, but the Chinese found out about it and are broadcasting interference signals.
Jason: Yes! Solid! I like that! Explains a lot, too, which should make it hella believable.
Katje: Come on, Tom, think about it – why should the fascists get away with fake news stories like the one about Comet Ping Pong Pizza over on Connecticut Avenue, saying that Hillary Clinton was running a child sex-slave ring out of secret dungeons in the back and a network of tunnels underneath?
Jason: Right, yeah – and didn’t some inbred yokel from North Carolina drive up to DC, armed to the teeth with high-powered firearms, intent on “self-investigating” the situation?
Rob: And, and after he terrorized that pizzeria’s customers and the DC police came and arrested that shining example of what happens when cousins marry, what consequences did the fake news site that spread those vicious lies experience? Nothing, that’s what! In fact, they doubled down on the story, made even more outrageous and disgusting false claims, and got even more page views!
Jason: And more money!
Katje: So why can’t the left do stuff like that? Why can’t we tell the world that Donald Trump is committing incest with his daughter Ivanka?
Tom: Because it would be libelous slander, that’s why!
Rob: And it’s not libelous slander for the people who support Trump to claim that Hillary Clinton runs a pedophile sex slave ring out of a pizza parlor three blocks from the National Zoo?
Tom: Yes, of course it’s libelous slander.
Rob: So what’s the difference?
Tom: The difference is, Hillary Clinton has not chosen to sue the libelous slandering liars who defamed her on the Internet, while Donald Trump would sue somebody for looking at him cross-eyed. Do you really want to be sued by a vain, shallow, self-centered billionaire with the attention span of a fifth grader, the social graces of a spoiled kindergarten toddler and the moral sensibilities of a junior high school sophomore jock who also happens to be president of the United States?
Jason: But he’s already made inappropriate public remarks about [expletive] Ivanka, hasn’t he?
Tom: Actually, he said that if she wasn’t his daughter, he…
Rob: Close enough! That [REDACTED – FTCE 3, 12/24/16] got elected president of the United States with a constant barrage of pernicious lies, malicious fantasies and vile personal insults! Now let’s see how he likes hearing four solid years of them himself!
Tom: On that point, I’d surmise he’s proven to be rather thin-skinned, to say the least. And soon, he will have the NSA, the FBI, the DHS and the IRS at his command, not just some stupid Twitter account to spout nonsense with. Have you three given any thought to that?
Jason: You’re talking to three of the best Web developers at Whizzonator-YoYoDyne Information Systems, Tom! Who do you think the NSA, FBI, DHS and IRS hires to build their software?
Tom: So you think you will be able to remain… anonymous… so to speak, while you post insulting, vicious, inflammatory fake news stories about a man who apparently considers the presidency of the United States to be something mighty close to his own, personal dictatorship?
Katje: We’ll show him otherwise! Everything we post is going through multiple proxy servers, cut-outs and dark net routers!
Jason: Yeah, right – and besides, if the First Amendment allows fascists to print blatant lies like “Birth Control Makes Women Crazy,” “Gay Rights Make Homos Stupid,” “Hillary Clinton Sold Weapons to ISIS,” “Pope Endorses Donald Trump,” “Drunk Hillary Beats up Bill Clinton,” and “FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead of Apparent Murder-Suicide,” why can’t we liberals post stories that say Trump hotels host prostitution rings that service perverted billionaires with kinky sex?
Jason: And describe it in detail!
Tom: Except, I thought we were talking about fake news.
Katje: Um… well, whatever. Stuff like that, anyhow.
Tom: Well, on that issue, I’d advise you that the First Amendment doesn’t give anyone the right to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater.
Jason: Sure. But we can accuse Trump of being a secret pyromaniac, can’t we?
Tom: Oh, gee… I suppose so, technically. But if you make an unstable personality like Donald Trump sufficiently upset, Lord knows what he will do.
Rob: And as far as I’m concerned, the sooner he does it, the better!
Tom: Look, a barrage of fake news stories aimed below Trump’s belt could set him off in ways that endanger the economy, civil liberties, even national security.
Jason: Sounds good – maybe he’ll do something really idiotic get impeached!
Tom: The Congress can’t impeach Donald Trump if it has been annihilated in a nuclear holocaust.
Rob: Oh, get real, Tom! Are you saying Trump’s going to lose it over some fake news story and blow up the [expletive] world?
Tom: Not directly. I’m saying that goading him with enough fake news stories could eventually make Trump so unstable he might lose it and inadvertently start a war that escalates to a nuclear exchange.
Rob: That’s not going to happen!
Tom: You want to bet?
Katje: Well, I say that if we don’t post those stories, then somebody else will! One thing that’s obvious about Trump is, he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.
Rob: Just picture it – four years of a constant drip, drip, drip of one fake news story about him after another! How long could he hold out before going totally bananas?
Jason: I know – we ought to start a pool at the office! Guess the date of President Trump’s major mental meltdown!
Rob: We’d have to define what constitutes a “major mental meltdown,” wouldn’t we?
Jason: Well, obviously, starting a nuclear war would qualify.
Tom: But under the circumstances, I don’t think being right about the date would be very significant to the office pool winner, do you?
Jason: Oh, [expletive], it’s the principle of the thing, right? Let’s say that Trump ordered the DHS to build secret internment camps for Hispanics!
Katje: Or how about we post a story that Trump is funneling money through the National Endowment for the Humanities to support White Power organizations?
Rob: We could say Trump is backing Israel so the fundamentalist Christians can see their apocalyptic prophecies fulfilled there!
Jason: And we could follow up with a story that says Trump has a secret plan to lure the Jews out of America to Israel so they’ll all get destroyed in the Zionist struggle to rebuild the Temple on the ruins of the al-Aqsa Mosque!
Rob: Hey, how about this! Let’s claim Trump is going to introduce legislation to make English the national language and impose fines and imprisonment for using anything else!
Katje: Oh, oh, I’ve got a great one – let’s tell everyone the Trump administration is putting chemicals in the water in black neighborhoods to make the residents sterile!
Jason: Awesome! Mom, you’re so genius!
Katje: Aw… thanks, Jason.
Tom: Frankly, my take on those last half dozen fake news story proposals of yours is that the average Trump voter would think they’re all really good ideas.
Jason: So you’re saying, they would believe them!
Tom: Well, yeah, but the average Trump voter believes in angels, demons, flying saucers, sewer gators, ghosts, and that WWE professional wrestling is real. Your problem would be writing fake news stories that someone who isn’t a functionally ignorant, completely gullible moron could believe.
Jason: Why bother with that? Aren’t most Americans functionally ignorant, completely gullible morons?
Katje: That’s basically a statistical fact, isn’t it Tom?
Rob: Yeah, really – all we want to do is jerk Trump’s chain ten times a day while making big bucks off wild and crazy clickbait headlines.
Tom: All right. Understood. So why did you decide to call me about it?
Rob: Ah, well, you know, we were thinking maybe you could help us out with some suggestions.
Tom: In that case, I suggest you don’t do it.
Jason: Aw, come on – why not?
Tom: Because it’s beneath your dignity, that’s why. Liberals are supposed to be smart, erudite and morally superior to the pathetic yahoos who voted for Donald Trump. But now you’re saying you want to get down in the pig sty and wallow around with them. Bottom line, everybody’s going to get up dirty, that’s all. Why don’t you spend the next four years fact-checking fake news stories and posting informed, rational refutations of them instead?
Jason: Two reasons: Number One, that’s no fun. Number Two, there’s no money in it.
Tom: Oh, boy. Very well then, you’ve obtained my input, you have my perspective. Anything else?
Rob: Ah, gee, Tom, I guess not.
Tom: In that case, if you don’t mind, I have another consultation coming up in about three minutes.
Katje: Okay, Tom. Thanks for discussing this… business model… with us.
Tom: You’re welcome.
Jason: How about, once we get started, we give you a fifteen percent cut on the ad revenue for any good fake news story concepts you come up with?
Tom: Goodbye, Jason.
Jason: Um… yeah, ‘bye.