“Does the name Elizabeth Tamariz Nunes mean anything to you?” Gretchen texted me during my eleven o’clock appointment with the Japanese Special Envoy for Robotics and Artificial Intelligence Technology. “Because she’s called three times since 8 AM and says she needs one of your free telephone consultations right away!”
“No problem,” I texted back. “Book her for the first available slot.”
“OK,” Gretchen replied, “that would be 1:30. Who is this yammering [peach emoji], anyhow?”
“She’s married to the US Representative for the 22nd District of California, who’s a total conservative [eggplant emoji].” I typed. “They’re Republican dairy farmers.”
“Makes sense,” Gretchen quipped, “all morning, she’s been udderly annoying.”
Nunes: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is indeed.
Nunes: This is Elizabeth Tamariz Nunes. I’m Devin Nunes’ wife.
Tom: If you say so, Ma’am. I have no choice but to assume those who contact me via telephone for one of my free initial consultations are, in fact, whom they claim to be.
Nunes: You mean, sometimes they’re not?
Tom: Well, I suspect that sometimes they’re reporters, bloggers, podcasters, lobbyists, federal bureaucrats, Wall Street analysts or congressional staffers trying to pump me for Washington insider information. Other times, I recognize their voices and realize they’re current clients trying to save money by pretending to be somebody else.
Nunes: Interesting. What do you do in those cases?
Tom: I play along with them, naturally.
Nunes: Naturally?
Tom: Oh, yes. It’s good practice, and besides, I make plenty of money from paid consultations.
Nunes: Looking at your hourly rates, I should imagine so, Mr. Collins.
Tom: You imagine correctly, Ma’am.
Nunes: And what do you suspect of me, then, Mr. Collins
Tom: Given your present situation, I suspect that you can neither confirm nor deny that you are, in fact, Elizabeth Tamariz Nunes, spouse of the distinguished chair of the House Intelligence Committee.
Nunes: Very funny, Mr. Collins.
Tom: Thank you, Mrs. Nunes, or whoever you may be. Now, to what do I owe the honor of this telephone call, which, at least on my end, is certifiably private, untapped and executed over a secured fiber optic land line?
Nunes: Well, it’s about my husband, of course.
Tom: And what are your concerns about him?
Nunes: I think he might have gotten in over his head with this Trump campaign foreign contacts and Russian hacking investigation.
Tom: Ah, yes – your husband seems to have… distinguished himself… rather more than necessary, it seems.
Nunes: You’re telling me! Saturday, he came back home to our district for the Agricultural Lenders Society annual banquet at Tornino’s in Fresno, and he managed to draw his biggest crowd ever.
Tom: How big?
Nunes: About five hundred. Problem was, they were all protesters, yelling and screaming for him to resign!
Tom: Resign as House Intelligence Committee Chairman?
Nunes: Either that, or resign from Congress, it was about sixty-thirty, I’d say, with around another ten percent of them yelling and screaming he should resign from the human race and go straight to hell.
Tom: I see. Tell me, ma’am – looking at your husband’s resume, which is very strong in agricultural and dairy science, agronomy and agribusiness, what accounts for his position as head of the House Intelligence Committee? I mean, if he had degrees, even from College of the Sequoias and California Polytechnic at San Luis Obispo, in something like history, international affairs, diplomacy, engineering or foreign studies, then his interest in having that post would make more sense to most folks than it does at the moment, don’t you agree?
Nunes: You don’t understand, Mr. Collins – Devin has every book Ian Fleming, John le Carré, Robert Ludlum, Graham Green, Don Brown and Tom Clancy ever wrote! He has DVDs of every James Bond, Bourne Identity and Mission Impossible movie ever made! He’s got Three Days of the Condor, Clear and Present Danger, Bridge of Spies, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, Patriot Games, Syriana, Argo, The Good Shepard and The Ipcress File. He’s even got DVDs of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. and a boxed set of the entire Avengers TV series!
Tom: Some here in Washington DC might characterize all that as decidedly… eccentric, Mrs. Nunes.
Nunes: Mr. Collins, you have no idea how boring it is to be a farmer twenty miles from Bakersfield. If Devin’s… interests… seem odd to people inside the Beltway, I’d like to see what living out here in the Central Valley does to them. Frankly, the only time Devin ever gets… you know… romantic… is when we’re acting out a game of “international man of mystery” together, and there’s something like Live and Let Die or Shirley Bassey singing the theme from Goldfinger on the stereo.
Tom: So you get into some… role playing, then?
Nunes: Oh, yeah – I put on a trench coat over a tight teddy, ask if he has any microfilm he wants to put in my dead drop, and he goes absolutely wild. His favorite pet name for me is Conejo Galore.
Tom: I see – he uses continental Spanish slang, then?
Nunes: Of course. His family is from the Azores.
Tom: Makes sense, no doubt about it. You know, Ted Cruz’s family is from Cuba, and he calls Heidi “Mi Pequeña Papaya Apretado.”
Nunes: Well, maybe she was once, but after two kids?
Tom: Good point. So, tell me, did Devin’s real-life cloak-and-dagger episode at the White House SCIF do anything… special… for him?
Nunes: Are you kidding? I mean, I’ve seen him get pretty worked up after some really hot top secret closed hearings, but nothing like after March twenty-first! He was strutting around the bedroom in his Casino Royale tuxedo outfit, talking about baccarat, vodka martinis shaken not stirred, Walther PPKs and Aston Martin DB5s until dawn!
Tom: Good role playing, then?
Nunes: Oh, the best! He’s never been better – the man was an absolute tiger in the sack after skulking around the Executive Office building with those three Trump flunkies who spilled the beans to him about, oh, who knows what? It doesn’t really matter, does it? Certainly not to me! Whatever it was, it turned Devin into the Spy Who Loved Me on steroids, and that’s all I care about!
Tom: So at last, life imitated art, as it were.
Nunes: And how! Anybody watching – not that anyone was, of course – would have sworn he was Sidney Reilly and I was Mata Hari. He called those guys “covert Executive Branch operatives” and sneaking onto the White House grounds a “clandestine rendezvous” that was convened via “urgent and unexpected back channel communications.” Yeah, he was my undercover agent for hours and hours after those monkeyshines. But fun’s fun, you know? The problem now is, I’m afraid the whole thing’s gotten out of hand.
Tom: How, specifically?
Nunes: Well, running down to the White House the next day to “brief the president” for instance. Right off the bat, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, now does it? I mean, if some spooks or whatever at the White House knew some important stuff about irregularities in secret activities, why didn’t they just go and tell the president about it themselves? Why did they need to call Devin in the first place? And after he found out from them that something hinky was going on in the intelligence community, why did Devin have tell the president about it before he told the other members of Congress on his own committee? Being married to the man, I’m aware he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes, but God Almighty, that was way stupid behavior, even for Devin.
Tom: Perhaps the excitement of the situation affected his better judgment.
Nunes: You can say that again! And that press conference! Why did he have to call a press conference, for Christ’s sake? And then stand up there and start talking about “not revealing sources and methods” like he’s the Director of the CIA or something? I know Devin’s an important person in the Route 99 Corridor and all, but it’s not like he’s John McCain or anything – hell, John McCain’s more famous than Sarah Palin, damn it, here’s John McCain calling out Devin’s “bizarre behavior” telling Martha Raddatz that Devin’s gone and “killed bipartisanship” on the House Intelligence Committee.
Tom: Well, maybe having someone who worked on the Trump transition team leading an investigation of Trump campaign and transition team members’ contacts with Russia might not be the best of ideas, after all. I’m sure your husband must be conflicted about where his loyalties lie in this situation.
Nunes: Loyalties? How about looking out for Number One? That’s what everybody else does in Washington, isn’t it?
Tom: You’re correct, that does happen to be the favorite pastime around here.
Nunes: So how are these shenanigans going to affect Devin’s career? That’s what I’m worried about. Pundits, the media, other members of Congress – they’re all calling for him to resign.
Tom: But you must admit, the nature of the resignations demanded differs considerably, depending on who is demanding them.
Nunes: Oh yeah, sure – there are people who want him to quit as committee chairman, others who want him to leave the committee, and a lot of them that are saying he should resign from the House of Representatives altogether! Some choices those are! And even the Republicans want him to at least recuse himself from the investigation. I tell you, Mr. Collins, I don’t like where all this is leading, not one bit. My husband has become a late-night laughingstock! Comedians are drawing obscene pictures showing Devin doing all kinds of disgusting things with Donald Trump! And on the Sunday morning talk shows, there was one where they had a heated debate about whether Devin is more or less stupid than Austin Powers – and Austin Powers isn’t even real!
Tom: There is a bright side, however. The National Review has been very sympathetic to him.
Nunes: The National Review? Oh, great – that and four-fifty will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks! Look, Mr. Collins, Devin has had a nice job in Congress for the last fourteen years and until two weeks ago, there wasn’t a single reason why he couldn’t have had another fourteen years at it. But now, he’s between a rock and hard place. He’s managed to make everybody mad or disappointed – left, right, center, all of them! I’m afraid he’ll get knocked down in the 2018 Republican primary, or maybe even lose his seat to a Democrat! How does my husband get out of this mess?
Tom: Okay then, let’s get down to brass tacks. First of all, he should remain in his post as committee chairman – fight tooth and nail to hold on to it, if necessary. That will show that despite what anyone says, he has the good old-fashioned gumption and grit a congressman’s got to have.
Nunes: Fight back and come on strong! Good – I like that – show them my Devin’s got some guts!
Tom: Absolutely. Then, as committee chairman, he should dispel all doubts about his willingness to investigate alleged Trump campaign and transition team ties to Russia, as well as claims that the Russians attempted to influence the 2016 elections to favor the Republicans. But first, he should surprise everyone and step down from conducting the Russia investigation – but only that – until an independent inquiry clears him. Afterward, he can make a triumphal return, and here’s the important thing at that point: He needs to start playing hardball on all fronts – issuing subpoenas, grilling witnesses unmercifully, and not be shy about citing the uncooperative ones for contempt of Congress.
Nunes: But won’t that make the president angry?
Tom: Initially, yes, it probably will. But at this point in the Trump administration, a spate of late night White House Twitter rants attacking your husband will actually prove beneficial to his reputation. And I guarantee, if you convince your husband to take my advice on what to do next, Trump will not only cease denouncing Devin, he will embrace him – literally.
Nunes: All right then, shoot – I’m all ears. What should Devin do next?
Tom: Then, no matter what testimony the committee hears, no matter what anybody else – including other members of the committee – says about it, Devin should conclude that a major mistake has been made.
Nunes: Mistake? What kind of mistake?
Tom: Huge – but also plausible. After a respectable number of witnesses have testified, Devin should call a press conference and announce that the Russians aren’t to blame after all.
Nunes: But… who…. I mean, somebody has to be responsible, don’t they?
Tom: Yes! Ukrainians!
Nunes: My God! How is that possible?
Tom: Easy – Ukrainian writing looks like Russian, right?
Nunes: Um, yeah, I guess so.
Tom: And Ukrainian sounds like Russian, too, doesn’t it?
Nunes: Well, it’s not like I can tell them apart, that’s for sure.
Tom: Exactly – and neither can ninety-nine point nine nine nine percent of Americans.
Nunes: So?
Tom: So it just turns out, Devin will reveal, that it was Ukrainians who were hacking US computer systems during the elections. It was Ukrainians who were seeking to defeat Hillary Clinton and help Donald Trump win. And it was Ukrainians who were talking to members of the Trump campaign and transition team.
Nunes: Talking to the Trump campaign? Talking to the transition team? How did they manage that?
Tom: Simple – by pretending to be Russians. Come now, think about it – how could anyone expect a bunch of American Republicans to know the difference between Russians and Ukrainians? Just find a fat Ukrainian, dress him up in a baggy suit and say he’s Sergey Kislyak – you think some bozo like Micheal Flynn could tell he’s a fake?
Nunes: Hmm… come to think of it, based on what I’ve seen, probably not.
Tom: Exactly. And practically nobody in America will have any problem believing the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the DIA, or any of the other thirteen intelligence agencies who swore up and down it was the Russians couldn’t tell the difference, either.
Nunes: Okay, but why would the Ukrainian government do something like that? Aren’t they more or less on our side as far as the Russians are concerned? Don’t they want to be in NATO, for instance?
Tom: You’ve made an important point – one that Devin will have to make sure to get across, too. Yes, he will have discovered that it was Ukrainians, but not the Ukrainian government. No, it will have been a gang of Ukrainian criminals, working for a third party.
Nunes: Now this – this is beginning to sound like one of Devin’s spy novels. But I like it. Okay, so who’s the mysterious third party running the Ukrainian gang?
Tom: Ah, now that’s the beauty part, see, because Devin will get to decide who. He’s got to go for the slow reveal, naturally – alluding to the existence of concealed puppet masters pulling the Ukrainian gangsters’ strings while testing the political winds for a villain appropriate for the Trump administration’s purposes. Could it be the Mexicans? Maybe they better reconsider paying for that wall, after all. Or is it the Pakistanis? Maybe they better finally do something about all those Muslim terrorists they play nice with all the time. Or the Chinese, perhaps? There’s a whole laundry list of issues with them – artificial islands in the South China Sea, support for North Korea, commodity dumping, threats to Taiwan, there’s plenty to work with there, no doubt about it. And Devin will be the one the world looks to, waiting on tenterhooks for him to name the culprit; and that culprit will be, of course, whoever president Trump chooses.
Nunes: Gee, all this sounds great, but won’t Devin need some… you know… evidence?
Tom: In the era of alternative facts, Devin should face fairly minimal challenges in that regard.
Nunes: So, not to worry about actually proving any of this stuff?
Tom: Of course not. Nobody worries about actually proving anything anymore. All Devin needs to do is look tough and have a good story to tell about how Trump’s buddies the Russians were wrongly accused by a series of well-intentioned mistakes made by honest, hard-working American agents with only the most patriotic motivations at heart. After which, Devin can use that same tale to shift the blame for everything to any target Donald Trump selects. It’s a win-win situation all around.
Nunes: Well, Mr. Collins, I’d say you’ve definitely convinced me! Now, all I have to do is sell this idea to Devin.
Tom: I suggest you type it all out, print it in hard copy, photograph it and reduce the image to microfilm. Then put the microfilm in a tiny canister, hidden in a special place.
Nunes: Hmm… what sort of special place did you have in mind, Mr. Collins?
Tom: Ah, well, I’m sure you’ll think of one that will appeal to Devin.
Nunes: I see. Then I let him… discover it?
Tom: And read the secret message.
Nunes: Oh… right. Sure. Well, okay then. Thanks for everything.
Tom: You’re welcome, Miss Moneypenny.
Nunes: ‘Bye, Mr. Smiley.