Relaxing at home today after a grueling one hundred and twenty-two point seven-five hour week, I might have forgiven myself for ignoring the telephone. On the other hand, every single one of those hours was billed at my fully loaded rate, and I didn’t get into a hay-making situation like that by being some kind of slacker; and besides, my Caller ID said it was United States Senator Rob Portman (R – Ohio).
Tom: Good evening, Senator Portman.
Portman: Huh? Um… how… okay… sure, caller ID, right? Is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Indeed it is, sir. What can I do for you?
Portman: Oh, yeah… right, ah, it’s Sunday and all, I hope I’m not… er… intruding or anything, am I?
Tom: No sir, not really – I’m just taking a few well-earned moments of respite here on my living room couch in Great Falls, Virginia, with a snifter of Rémy Martin XO cognac, my cat, Twinkle, and the Sunday edition of The New York Times.
Portman: Ah, yeah… good newspaper, The New York Times.
Tom: But, alas, you don’t read The New York Times, I take it?
Portman: Well… you promise not to tell anyone?
Tom: I assure you of the same level of privacy security I extend to all of my clients, Senator.
Portman: Okay, then, in that case… um… as an experienced Washington politician with national standing, I do, of course, really appreciate the reporting and analysis The New York Times has to offer, and I’d like to read it… but you can’t imagine… you can’t envision… you can’t possibly conceive of what kind of things my fellow Republicans would say and do if it became known that I did.
Tom: Yes, as a matter of fact, Senator, I can.
Portman: You can?
Tom: Yes definitely. As an experienced Beltway insider, I know exactly how you would be regarded – as a heretic, an apostate and a traitor, and as such, you would be subjected to a level of censure, ostracism and retribution commensurate with the rage of True Believers, whatever their cause.
Portman: That’s extremely… um… insightful, Mr. Collins. I can see why they say you’re the smartest person inside the Beltway.
Tom: Which is a lot like being the tallest building in Baltimore.
Portman: Um… to tell the truth, I’ve never actually been to Baltimore. What’s it like?
Tom: It’s like Cleveland – with seafood.
Portman: Oh, that sounds nice.
Tom: Or Cincinnati – with better baseball.
Portman: Gee, we sure could use some better baseball in Ohio.
Tom: Or Akron, with jobs.
Portman: Oh, golly, yeah, we definitely could use some of those in Ohio, too.
Tom: Or Toledo, with lots and lots of Democrats.
Portman: Oh, well, uh… I don’t think we need any more of them in Ohio, if you please.
Tom: Of course not, Senator. To what do I owe the honor of this telephone call?
Portman: Oh, oh, yes, that… I’m not wasting your time, am I?
Tom: You are extremely polite for a Republican, sir. And no, you most certainly are not wasting my time.
Portman: Uh, right, then… ah… er… what I’m calling about is… my current role in support of the Romney campaign, as his debate partner.
Tom: Meaning that, as Governor Romney prepares for his debates with President Obama, you act as his… sparring partner, standing in for the real President Obama.
Portman: Exactly. It’s a time-honored tradition. Why, Obama’s been shadow-boxing with Senator John Kerry in my role, you know.
Tom: That certainly makes sense – both John Kerry and Mitt Romney are wealthy, extreme upper-class nerds with distant attitudes, high IQs, odd mannerisms, bizarre philosophies, weird ways of thinking, inaccessible social skills and a Massachusetts background.
Portman: Right.
Tom: And you, of course, are an ivy-league educated, former community organizing, African-American constitutional law professor from an impoverished background, raised by single parent, just like Barack Obama.
Portman: What the [expletive] are you talking about? I’m white! I have a Juris Doctorate from the University of Michigan in trade law! I’ve never taught a single constitutional law class in my life! My father owned a forklift dealership, we had a wonderful family life with both of our parents and I wouldn’t touch a community organizing job with a [expletive] ten-foot pole – I’m a Republican, for Christ’s sake!
Tom: Exactly my point.
Portman: What?
Tom: What I mean is, no wonder you’re calling me.
Portman: Huh?
Tom: Senator, let’s face the facts. If you’re the closest thing to Barack Obama that the Republicans can come up with as a presidential debate sparring partner for Mitt Romney, then God Almighty help you.
Portman: My principal impediment there, Tom, is that I don’t have God Almighty’s [expletive] telephone number. On the other hand, Ron Paul was kind enough to give me yours.
Tom: I must remember to thank him. So how are those presidential debate practice sessions going, anyway?
Portman: Mother Mary’s bleeding [expletive], do you have to [expletive] ask? Fine – they’re a [expletive] disaster, okay?
Tom: I see. In what ways?
Portman: Oh, [expletive]! What [expletive] ways would you like to pick? I read him a Democrat talking point about domestic job creation policy right out of the briefing book, and he dared me to bet him fifty thousand dollars his position was right! I pushed a few buttons on animal rights issues and he started defending tying his dog to the top of his car for a road trip to Canada! I prodded him a little bit with the statement that ninety-nine percent of the American public will get taken advantage of by his proposed economic plan and he responded by blowing up at me, asserting that forty-seven percent of the American public aren’t going to vote for him anyway, so why not depend on the fifty-three percent who aren’t dependent on the government for handouts – after all, that’s a majority, isn’t it? Then, I threw out a couple of Democrat canards about Republican policies impeding industrial innovation and he came back at me with a promise that, if elected President, he’ll make sure we manufacture airplanes where you can roll down the windows, because “that’s a real problem we can do something about, right here in America, right now!” After that, when I tossed him a bone about gay marriage, he went off on a tirade, concluding it by claiming that “in France, today, marriages are contracted for seven-year terms, and if we aren’t careful, that’s what’s going to happen here!” When I pursued a totally shopworn, hackneyed Democrat party line about Super PACS and voting rights, he declared, “Corporations are people too, and I don’t see any reason they shouldn’t be allowed to vote!” When I blocked his shot concerning employment security, he shouted, “Oh yeah? Well, I happen to like firing people!” When I mentioned the poor, he said, “I’m not concerned about them, because there’s a safety net there, it’s always been there and so I’m not worried about it and neither should anybody else!” When we debated immigration, he said… well, let me read this to you, Tom, so you can get an idea of what we’re dealing with here: “To that, I would say, it’s a real shame my father wasn’t a Mexican, because if he were, it would certainly help me with the Hispanic vote in this election, but unfortunately, he was, in fact, born in Mexico of American parents who were, I’m proud to say, hard-working a white American Mormons. They didn’t, for example, start drinking tequila at breakfast every day, or smoke marijuana after lunch, or lay out under a tree in a sombrero, sandals and a poncho in a stupor all afternoon, calling that a ‘siesta.’ They had an education and a work ethic and knew the value of real money – the American dollar, and that’s just too bad for the Hispanics, that’s what I think.”
Tom: Well, that proves Mitt Romney is, for better or worse, a man of his convictions. And at least, he didn’t recite the accepted Mormon mythological dogma regarding Negroes, did he?
Portman: No, but there’s more – when we got into the improvisational portion of the mock debate, I challenged him to say something definite and accountable about what he would do as President of the United States, he replied, “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love, and when I’m President, that’s what I’m going to give millions and millions of Americans.” Tom – you’ve got to help me! Only a blithering idiot could accept something like that!
Tom: Sure. But why is this bothering you?
Portman: Excuse me?
Tom: Oh, never mind. Let’s agree that I understand your predicament and move on. What would you like to know?
Portman: You would like to know, what would I like to know? Okay, I’d like know what I can do to keep Mitt Romney from totally screwing the pooch during his first debate with President Barack Obama – that’s what I would like to know!
Tom: Um… sure… I understand… but… may I ask a question?
Portman: Certainly. Go ahead. Shoot.
Tom: Who assigned you the responsibility for ensuring that Mitt Romney does not totally screw the pooch during his first debate with President Barack Obama?
Portman: Ah… er… um… uh…. well, nobody, actually… that is… no one ever told me explicitly that I was… um… responsible… uh… er… ah…. that is… um…
Tom: Right. You were, in fact, never assigned that responsibility, were you?
Portman: Ah, no, I guess not.
Tom: So, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you so worried about it?
Portman: Um… ah… well… shouldn’t I be?
Tom: You assumed office as a United States Senator in January of 2011, did you not?
Portman: Yes.
Tom: Therefore, you will not have to run for re-election to the United States Senate until 2016, correct?
Portman: Uh…. ah… yeah… I guess that’s true.
Tom: Therefore, you are not one of the Republican senators who might lose their seat this election year because Romney screws the pooch this coming Wednesday, are you?
Portman: No, I guess I’m not, actually.
Tom: And if Obama gets re-elected, as a loyal Republican, you sincerely believe that he will mess up the country really, really bad, won’t he?
Portman: Well, of course he will.
Tom: And when he does that, the nation will be ripe for a dynamic, charismatic, young and vibrant, clean and respectable, honest, loyal, brave and patriotic heterosexual, family-values-oriented, free-market, job-creating, tax-cutting Republican candidate to run against that tired, old, nasty, closeted-lesbian battle-ax femi-Nazi liberal tax-and-spend, welfare-queen-loving, gay-marriage-friendly, abortion-promoting, defense-budget-cutting, business-hating, Wall-Street-antagonizing, socialist-leaning, job-killing, screaming, flailing, gut-ripping harpy, Hillary Clinton, whom the Democrats are going to inevitably nominate to succeed Obama, now won’t it?
Portman: Damn, that was about the longest sentence I’ve heard since law school. Would you mind repeating it?
Tom: No problem. And when he, which is to say, Barack Obama, gets re-elected and messes up the United States of American to a frothing, frosty, fare-thee-well… the nation will be ripe for a dynamic, charismatic, young and vibrant, clean and respectable, honest, loyal, brave and patriotic heterosexual, family-values-oriented, free-market, job-creating, tax-cutting Republican candidate to run against that tired, old, nasty, closeted-lesbian battle-ax femi-Nazi liberal tax-and-spend, welfare-queen-loving, gay-marriage-friendly, abortion-promoting, defense-budget-cutting, business-hating, Wall-Street-antagonizing, socialist-leaning, job-killing, screaming, flailing, gut-ripping harpy, Hillary Clinton, whom the Democrats are going to inevitably nominate to succeed Obama, now won’t it?
Portman: Uh… now that you mention it, yes.
Tom: Q.E.D.
Portman: Huh?
Tom: “Quod erat demonstrandum,” my friend – It’s Latin, which means, “that which was to be demonstrated.” In other words, case closed. Quit worrying about it.
Portman: Meaning?
Tom: Meaning that next Wednesday is the first debate, and the challenger always appears to win the first debate, so about all Romney really has to do is show up and remain standing, okay? Just make sure he stays on script, goes easy on those stupid “zingers” I hear he’s working on, and goes easy on the lies so the fact checkers don’t tear him to pieces on Thursday morning. Otherwise, he should just be vague, not lose his temper and hope that Obama has a mediocre night. I hear that the President wants to have “a conversation with the American people” instead of an argument with Romney, so the whole thing could easily be a cakewalk for your guy if you can just keep his foot out of his mouth long enough for him to get off stage smiling. And if he screws the pooch anyway, what of it? Call me back when you are President of the United States.
Portman: Not until then?
Tom: Save yourself some money.
Portman: What?
Tom: As an honest U.S. Senator from the great state of… you will pardon the expression… Ohio… I doubt that, (a) you will have any further problems which are sufficiently complex to actually require my consultation; or, (b) enough money to pay me for such advice, given my usual rates.
Portman: But… but… Ron Paul said…
Tom: Not to worry, I never bill for the initial consultation.
Portman: Oh, that’s a relief.
Tom: Sure. So – give me a call in January of 2017. I’ll be here – President Portman.
Portman: Oh, [expletive], that sure sounds good… “President Portman… President Portman…”
Tom: I’m sure it does. Just one thing.
Portman: What’s that?
Tom: Be damn certain Hillary Clinton doesn’t make mincemeat out of you in your first presidential debate.
Portman: [Laughs]. Right – you’re joking, of course.
Tom: Senator, I only wish I were.
Portman: Um… okay… well, then, ‘bye.
Tom: Good evening, sir.