What with self-radicalizing Islamic terrorists wreaking havoc on our sacred soil, poison-soaked letters worming their way through the mail from the backwaters of Mississippi to the corridors of power in our Nation’s Capital, billows of nerve gas wafting across Syria, sequestration tightening its python grip on the economy, the garment industry in an uproar over massive deaths during the collapse of a Bangladesh clothing factory, the South Koreans pulling out of Kaesong, Venezuela tottering on the brink of political chaos, computer glitches shutting down the CBOE and making the NYSE gyrate like a fat stripper on a slippery pole in response to bogus tweets, there’s no surprise in the fact that Gretchen and I spent Saturday at the office this week. ‘Tis an ill wind indeed that blows no good for anyone, and at times like this, demand for my advice does nothing but increase to the limits of my capacity to dispense it. Nevertheless, as busy as I was, Gretchen cleared out some time for an unexpected VIP caller – John Ellis Bush, former governor of Florida.
Bush: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is, governor. To what do I owe the honor of this telephone call?
Bush: Aw shucks, you don’t have to call me “governor,” Tom. Heck, I’m not a governor anymore. Call me “Jeb” instead – everybody does.
Tom: Okay, Jeb. How’s it going? What’s up?
Bush: Well… it’s my mom.
Tom: Your mother?
Bush: Yeah, I have a problem with her.
Tom: Gee whiz, Jeb, I appreciate you calling me and all, but I’m a policy consultant you know, not a Freudian analyst.
Bush: I know, I know… but it’s not like I have some kind of… hang-up… about my relationship with her or anything. My problem is that she just sort of went off…
Tom: Went off?
Bush: Yeah, on Thursday morning’s Today show – she told Matt Lauer that “we’ve had enough Bushes” in the White House!
Tom: Oh yes, I remember that – she did, however, also say that you are “the best-qualified man” for the job, didn’t she?
Bush: Uh-huh, but what good does being the best man for the job do me if my own mother tells the world I shouldn’t have it?
Tom: Um… let’s see here… as I recall when Lauer requested an explanation she said, “I think it’s a great country, there are a lot of great families, and it’s not just four families or whatever. There are other people out there that are very qualified, and we’ve had enough Bushes.”
Bush: Right! See what I’m talking about? What does she mean, “we’ve had enough Bushes?” Where are the guys who have had too much Bush? What red-blooded American man will tell you that there’s even such a thing as too much Bush?
Tom: I have to admit, when you put it that way, it’s a very difficult question to answer. But this is hardly a new development, is it? Seems to me, I remember your mother saying something back in 2012, before the election…
Bush: Yeah, yeah, you’re right, she did. She told Larry King that the bottom line is, I don’t want to try.
Tom: But you do? You want to be President of the United States?
Bush: Of course I do! Who the hell doesn’t want to be President of the United States?
Tom: Um… well… I don’t, for example.
Bush: You don’t? What’s the matter with you?
Tom: It’s a very demanding job, Jeb, and a thankless one too, in many respects, and frankly, there are plenty of people in Washington, including me, who make more money every year than the President does.
Bush: Okay, yeah, it can be tough at times, and the pay sucks, but there’s the power, the prestige; flying around on Air Force One! And afterward, you get a Presidential Library. Dad has one, George has one – it just opened this week! Why shouldn’t there be a Jeb Bush Presidential Library, too?
Tom: A Jeb Bush Presidential Library?
Bush: Sure – where students, scholars and just plain ol’ patriotic folks could go to learn about the achievements of the Jeb Bush Presidency!
Tom: Really? And what would those be?
Bush: Well, I’d have to take charge of the economy, just like Dad and George did.
Tom: Turn things over to Wall Street?
Bush: Of course! The business of America is business, and Wall Street means business!
Tom: Very… insightful.
Bush: Thanks, but everything I know about the economy, I learned from Dad and George, so thank them, too.
Tom: Ah… yes… their economic achievements proved… um… unforgettable.
Bush: And make no mistake about it, Tom, I promise that the American public can expect the Jeb Bush presidency to deliver the same goods – only more of ‘em!
Tom: Now, there’s a pledge that’s bound to have a noticeable impact on the voters.
Bush: I should hope so!
Tom: And how about the Middle East?
Bush: Oh, that? Well, sure, I’ve got to start another war there, definitely – it’s a family tradition, after all.
Tom: You would be invading Iran, then, I presume?
Bush: That would be a good one, yeah, but not necessarily. There’s Yemen, for instance – that’s got a lot of possibilities. But by 2014, 2015, who knows? Maybe Egypt. Depends on how this Moslem Brotherhood thing works out.
Tom: Education?
Bush: Strictly a state’s rights matter. I reckon if they want to teach evolution in Vermont, that’s their liberal Yankee business, long as they don’t mind all their children going to Hell, that’s all. No skin off our butts down here in Dixie where we know the truth is written there smack dab in the Bible for anyone to read.
Tom: Reproductive rights?
Bush: You mean abortion? I say leave that one up to the states too. If they want to kill unborn babies in California, well, so many less liberals. I figure down in Dixie, those girls that misbehave like they ain’t supposed to and get a bun in the oven, in eighteen years that’s gonna be one more conservative Christian voter. And no going up against the federal goverment and Roe v. Wade and stuff, either, because all we got to do to get that is to make sure those abortion clinics in our states are safe – you know, like every one of them with a fully staffed and completely equipped intensive care unit on standby, an ambulance driveway and a Medivac helicopter landing pad on the roof. As long as they have that, and those pregnant sluts can make it through the cordon of legally protected protesters who will be legally making videos of them to legally post on the Internet with their names and addresses for everyone in the world to see, then they can offend God Almighty and murder their babies to their heart’s content.
Tom: Immigration?
Bush: American business wants more immigrants to pick vegetables, process poultry, clean fish, slaughter cows, work construction, drive trucks and write object-oriented software programs at less than half of what Americans get paid for the same work, and I say, the business of America is business, and American means business.
Tom: Energy policy?
Bush: The Bush family never met an oil well they didn’t like, and I intend to keep it that way.
Tom: Would that include fracked natural gas wells, tar sands and transcontinental hot heavy crude pipelines too?
Bush: If it comes out of the ground and you can burn it, the Jeb Bush presidency will subsidize it.
Tom: Including coal?
Bush: The business of America is business, and fossil energy means business.
Tom: And… global warming?
Bush: The Bush family has always believed that’s in God’s hands, not ours.
Tom: You’re saying it’s entirely a natural phenomenon?
Bush: I’m saying, look around you – God made all of this, didn’t he?
Tom: Ah… that’s one possible explanation, yes.
Bush: Okay, well, in that case, He can make plenty more, can’t He? And if He wants Planet Earth to cool off, then it’s going to cool off, and pronto! And if He doesn’t, that’s not something even the President of the United States should be fooling around with!
Tom: Fooling around, as in tax breaks for electric vehicle manufacturers, subsidies for solar power plant construction, federal land grants for wind farms…
Bush: Let me say, without fear of contradiction, that I can guarantee an administration with the same perspectives on those solutions as my father’s and brother’s administrations provided.
Tom: So you’re saying, you’ll practice benign neglect?
Bush: I’m saying the government shouldn’t be picking winners and losers – let the free market decide!
Tom: Except for fossil fuels?
Bush: They’re a cornerstone of our prosperity, the keystone of national security…
Tom: And a gem stone for the Bush family.
Bush: You could say that. Consistency – that’s what I’m promising. I’m going to repeat all the great things my dad and brother George did, only more intense!
Tom: Well, your brother George agrees, apparently. He’s publicly endorsed you.
Bush: He better – Dubya owes me a couple of favors you know.
Tom: Such as, when you delivered Florida for him in 2000?
Bush: Yeah, there’s that – for starters. So why I called you is, what can I do about my mom?
Tom: So how old is she now?
Bush: This June she’ll be um… eighty-eight.
Tom: Okay, well, people that age, you know, their… ah… mental faculties sometimes… fail them… under times of stress, such as, for example, interviews on national television shows, like the Today show, and if so, then…
Bush: Are you recommending that I respond to my mother’s remarks by suggesting that she may be getting… senile?
Tom: Well, she did indicate that she has had enough of life in the White House, doesn’t miss “one darn thing” about living there, and doesn’t want another reason to go back. All of that seems to indicate that she lacks a certain… comprehension, let’s say… of what would happen if you were elected President. There’s no requirement that the President’s mother ever visit the White House, under any circumstances. You could be elected President for two consecutive terms – an entire eight years – and Barbara Bush would never, ever have to even visit Washington, much less set foot in the White House.
Bush: Hmmm… yeah, that’s true, isn’t it? Okay, so how do I go about implying that she’s going all woolly-headed, mush-minded and foggy in the lighthouse without it sounding like I’m saying she’s got bubbles in the think tank, toys in the attic, bats in the belfry or sand in the gears? I mean, it’s one thing to say your mother’s so old, she went to toga parties with Nero – wink, wink, nudge, nudge – and quite another to say she’s not playing with a full deck.
Tom: Sure, I get it. How about, when some pushy interviewer shoves the issue in your face, you reply along the lines of, “The way I understand what my mother said, she’s expressed a certain ‘White House fatigue’ and despaired of the possibility, should I be elected President, that she might have to visit the White House again to attend some gala state function, dine with world leaders or be entertained by famous performing artists. Let me assure my mom right now, that if she doesn’t feel like doing any of those things anymore, she won’t have to.” And then you can lighten it up a bit by saying, “But if my father or my brother George, or George’s lovely wife, would like to visit the White House again, they will be more than welcome.” And then, if you want, you can insert a memorable wisecrack sound bite, and say something like, “And that goes for other members of the immediate family, as long as the Secret Service will let them in.”
Bush: Not bad. A little edgy, though. Why wouldn’t the Secret Service let members of the Bush family in?
Tom: No reason at all – that’s what makes it funny.
Bush: I donno, how about, “…as long as they wear their Sunday best and don’t track mud on the carpets,” instead?
Tom: That would work, too. Have your speech writers toss the idea around for a while until you get the exact tone you’re comfortable with.
Bush: Sounds like a plan. Okay, I know you’re busy, so I’ll turn you loose.
Tom: Thank you kindly, Jeb.
Bush: And thank you.
Tom: Y’all call back anytime you like, y’hear?
Bush: Will do, good buddy. ‘Bye!