Friday morning at 06:00 sharp, Colonel Randy Boener, gender affairs commander, the Joint Chiefs of Staff Military Conduct Policy Task Force, strode smartly into my office and took the seat directly in front of my desk.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Colonel… um…” I began, stymied as I looked at his name tag.
“That’s pronounced BEN-hur,” my guest replied. “Like the movie with Charlton Heston, but with the accent reversed. It’s Flemish.”
“Thanks,” I continued. “And what can I do for the Joint Chiefs of Staff Military Conduct Policy Task Force this morning, Colonel Boener?”
“You’ve heard, I assume,” he opened, “about the sexual harassment scandal that came to… a head… at the Pentagon this week?”
“Yes,” I acknowledged, “despite there being ongoing crises for the Obama administration concerning the performance of the State Department at the US Embassy in Benghazi, the Internal Revenue Service abusing its power by intimidating and stalling Tea Party and other conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status, and the Justice Department’s secret seizure of Associated Press telephone records, I have, nevertheless, managed to keep up with the latest brouhaha at the Defense Department. Not that sexual harassment in the military is anything new.”
“Certainly not,” my guest agreed. “There was Tailhook, back in 1991, the Air Force Academy sexual assaults in 2003, the…”
“Actually,” I pointed out, “sexual harassment has been going on ever since women were admitted to the armed forces. ‘Join the Navy and ride the WAVES’ was standard joke among sailors long before women were allowed to enlist in the regular Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps in 1977.”
“Uh, well, yeah,” he conceded. “I guess you could say it goes back centuries. But that’s exactly why the Pentagon decided to do something about it. We instituted massive policy changes to discourage sexual harassment. We established Special Victims Units, just like on Law and Order, but with MPs. We set up Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention – SHARP programs and assigned senior non-commissioned officer and mid-ranking commissioned officers to run them. And we’ve conducted all kinds of surveys, too. But none of our efforts have had better than modest success – extrapolations of our latest study of 108,000 active duty military personnel indicate that, at a ninety-nine percent confidence level, approximately 26,000 of them were sexually assaulted in 2012. But our records show that only thirteen percent of the victims reported anything! And now, look what happened! Last Tuesday, we had to announce that a SHARP program leader is under investigation for sexual harassment! And that’s not all – right after that, there was another high-profile sexual harassment case in the Air Force and today, we’re going to have to start a third investigation of another SHARP coordinator at Fort Campbell, Kentucky. It’s getting weird out there, Collins, there’s just no other word for it!”
“Didn’t Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel order this week that all the Pentagon’s sexual assault prevention coordinators and military recruiters be retrained, re-credentialed and rescreened?” I asked.
“He certainly did!” Boener affirmed. “And as part of that strategic restructuring, we sent an e-mail survey to a representative, statistically significant sample of male military personnel in sexual assault prevention, response, treatment, investigation and prosecution roles, all across the entire Tri-Service spectrum.”
“That should certainly make for some interesting reading when it’s released,” I mused. “No doubt it answers a lot of…”
“It’s never going to be released!” Colonel Boener anxiously interjected. “It’s been classified Top Secret!”
“Oh,” I knowingly nodded, “in other words, the result are acutely embarrassing to the Department of Defense.”
“I’m not at all sure,” Boener snapped back, “that’s an entirely proper characterization of the rationale for placing the survey results in classified status.”
“Sorry,” I mollified, “no disrespect intended.”
“None taken,” he huffed in a rather unconvincing manner. “As a matter of fact, Collins, your Top Secret clearance was a principal factor in selecting you for a policy consultation with respect to this survey.”
With that, he withdrew a two-inch thick bound report with a TOP SECRET cover sheet from his briefcase. “We asked a number of important questions in that survey, Collins. Here’s one to which we found the responses particularly disturbing. ‘Assignment to duty in a sexual harassment prevention, response, treatment, investigation or prosecution role within my organization: A) Is a positive step in my military career; B) Has become a very rewarding job; C) Was some sort of mistake; or, D) Is a form of punishment.’ Over REDACTED percent of the survey participants chose response ‘D’ for that item, Tom, and another REDACTED percent selected ‘C’ instead.”
“REDACTED percent? And REDACTED percent?” I gasped. “Incredible!”
“Here,” he offered, “is another very interesting survey item. ‘If a woman were appointed the supervisor of my current duties concerning the prevention of, response to, treatment of, investigation of, or prosecution of sexual harassment in my organization, I would: A) Consider it a valuable opportunity to gain additional insights for my work; B) Be indifferent as to what gender my supervisor is; C) Request a transfer; D) Check them out and ask them for a date if they’re hot; or, E) Not Applicable, my current supervisor is a woman.’ Can you believe it? Over REDACTED percent chose response ‘D’ to that item!”
“Oh, my God,” I exclaimed. “Was there an analogous item asking the same or similar questions about being appointed the supervisor of one or more women?”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s here, too,” he murmured as he thumbed through the survey results. “Okay, here it is: If I were ordered to supervise a woman to support me in my current duties concerning the prevention of, response to, treatment of, investigation of, or prosecution of sexual harassment in my organization, I would: A) Consider it a valuable opportunity to gain additional insights for my work; B) Be indifferent as to the gender of those whom I supervise; C) Request a transfer; D) Check them out and ask them for a date if they’re hot; or, E) Not Applicable, I currently supervise one or more women.’ The difference is, virtually REDACTED percent said they would want a transfer and the percentage who selected ‘D’ jumped to REDACTED!
“Gee,” I observed, “you know, so far, these all sound like pretty good survey questions. Why is DOD classifying them Top Secret?”
“The questions?” Colonel Boener shrugged. “Survey items, whatever… hell no, Collins, they’re not classified, of course not. What’s classified Top Secret is the [expletive] responses! Plus any discussions of how to change them, naturally.”
“Understood,” I vouched. “What else do you have that’s of concern?”
“Well, uh…” he stammered, “the responses to all of the items in the entire [expletive] survey, actually. Look at this one: If a female member of my organization came to my office and reported that she had just been sexually assaulted, I would: A) Immediately contact the appropriate law enforcement authorities and take a full statement while awaiting their arrival; B) Ask her some tricky questions to find out if she’s trying to frame somebody and what her real motives are; C) Confirm this is not a false report by requesting that she strip and allow me to personally examine the areas where she alleges the sexual assault occurred; D) Inform her of the facts about how difficult it will be to take this any further and advise her to go home, take a shower and forget about it; or, E) Tell her that if she wants me to believe somebody did that to her, she’s going to have to do it with me first, because I don’t think she’s got it in her.’ REDACTED percent chose ‘B,’ Mr. Collins! REDACTED percent chose ‘C,’ REDACTED percent chose ‘D’ and even REDACTED percent chose ‘E!’”
“This was, presumably,” I sought to establish, “an anonymous survey?
“Absolutely,” Colonel Boener barked back, slightly annoyed. “The Department of Defense takes the privacy of military personnel very seriously!”
“Well, in that case,” I speculated, “it’s possible that at least a few of the participants were… how shall I put this? Pulling your leg?”
“Jesus [expletive] H. Christ on a [expletive] crutch,” he fumed, “I should [expletive] hope at least a few of them were! But still… look at this one: ‘Being assigned to oversee, operate, advise or assist a DoD office that engages in the prevention of, response to, treatment of, investigation of, or prosecution of sexual harassment is: A) A solemn duty which must be undertaken with full knowledge and a practical background in all applicable laws, rules and regulations; B) Something I have to cope with until it’s over, because orders are orders; C) A goldbrick job for wussies to get out of doing real work and real fighting for their country; D) An unwanted assignment that makes me very unpopular with other male military members in my organization; or, E) A great way to find out who all the easy sluts are around here.’ Only REDACTED percent chose A! And here’s something even more disturbing: ‘The purpose of DoD programs designed to prevent, respond to, treat, investigate, or prosecute incidents of sexual harassment in my organization is to: A) Ensure a safe, equitable and non-threatening environment for women in the Unites States military; B) Kiss up to the liberals who want to force us to fight and risk our lives alongside a bunch of weak, weepy, hysterical girls and nasty man-hating bull dykes; C) Ensure that no incidents of sexual harassment affect the mission readiness, public prestige or future funding for any United States military branch; D) Make sure only general officers get any action from their female subordinates; or, E) Provide full employment for social workers in the United States military.’”
“And so,” I inquired, “what percentage selected response ‘A’?”
“’A’?” Colonel Boener snorted. “Are you [expletive] kidding me? The correct response is ‘C!’”
“Really?” I whispered as I fell into a brief reverie. “All right, in that case, what you need to do is re-train all your personnel assigned to prevent, respond to, treat, investigate, or prosecute incidents of sexual harassment.”
“Re-train them?” Boener echoed back uncertainly. “Sure, that’s what Chuck Hagel told us to do. How do you think your training program would differ from his?”
“I recommend you train them,” I advised, “on how to commit sexual harassment, cover it up and then get away with it. Furthermore, if and when any case gets far enough along for them to meet the alleged perpetrators, have them train the perps so they don’t get caught again.”
There was long pause as Colonel Boener considered my modest proposal. “Okay,” he agreed after a few minutes. “You have a… training plan in mind, then?”
“Sure,” I confirmed. “That’s my line of work – I’m a policy consultant, after all.”
“All right,” Colonel Boener said, “but every damn word of your plan will have to classified Top Secret! Now, what have you got in mind?”
“Well,” I explained, “basically, in a nutshell DoD would REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, and then, you REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. Simple as that.”
“But what,” Colonel Boener pressed, “about REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED?”
“DoD simply REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and ensures REDACTED REDACTED.
“REDACTED REDACTED?” Colonel Boener smiled. “Hell, we know all about that. Okay, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and get a copy REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED.”
“Will do, ASAP,” I assured him as he rose to shake my hand.