Around ten yesterday morning, Gretchen began receiving calls from “some pushy woman named Parker,” as she put it, more or less demanding an immediate telephone consultation. Gretchen managed to work her in during my lunch break, which she accomplished by canceling my reservation at the Capital Grille and having a taxi deliver sushi from the SEI Restaurant over on 7th Street NW instead.
“So who, exactly,” Gretchen grumbled, “is this Annise Parker person, anyway?”
“One of the most notable masochists in contemporary American politics,” I explained. “Not only is she a liberal Democrat in Texas, she’s also a lesbian, an environmentalist, and most masochistic of all, she’s the mayor of Houston.”
“Oh,” Gretchen exclaimed, now quite red faced and sheepish, “I guess anyone in her situation could be a little bit grumpy sometimes.”
Parker: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: Yes, Your Honor, it is I.
Parker: Good. How are you today, Mr. Collins?
Tom: Just fine, Your Honor. And you?
Parker: Well, frankly, I’ve been better. May I call you Tom?
Tom: Certainly, Your Honor. May I ask how you got my number?
Parker: Your friend Cerise has a female cousin whose sorority sister attended graduate school at UT Austin with my partner’s former girlfriend’s fellow women’s lacrosse team member.
Tom: Six degrees of separation. Quite impressive.
Parker: If there’s anything we Texan career women know how to do, Tom, it’s network.
Tom: And how may I help you today, Your Honor?
Parker: Since it happened, officially, about an hour ago, I don’t know if you’ve heard yet, but…
Tom: President Obama has appointed you to The State, Local, and Tribal Leaders Task Force on Climate Preparedness and Resilience.
Parker: Wow – they say bad news travels fast, and I guess that proves it.
Tom: Bad news?
Parker: Well, all right, we have Rice University here in Houston, and the city itself is composed of the most diverse ethnic population in the United States, all of which makes it possible for a gay woman progressive Democrat to be elected mayor. And speaking of elections, because of term limits, I’m up for election to my third and final two years as mayor next Tuesday!
Tom: And you’ll win, of course. Your only viable opponent, Ben Hall, blew over two million dollars on a comically mismanaged campaign, and the most recent polls have you leading him by twenty percentage points. So even though there are several other candidates, it’s highly likely you will, as you did in 2011 when you defeated a field lead by Fernando Herrera, garner more than fifty percent of the vote, thereby making a run-off election in December unnecessary.
Parker: That’s how it was supposed to work, anyway – before Obama decided to throw this… albatross around my neck.
Tom: But later today, aren’t you going to say, “I am honored to have been chosen for this prestigious position and eager to be able to represent Houston’s pragmatic and diverse points of view on this issue,” in response to the President’s appointment?
Parker: What the… how on God’s green earth did you get a copy of my prepared acceptance statement before I released it?
Tom: It’s my job to know that sort of thing, Your Honor.
Parker: Well, it looks like you certainly did your homework on this one.
Tom: I always do, Your Honor.
Parker: And what else, may I ask, should I say instead? “Damn it, Barack, why couldn’t you at least wait until after next flipping Tuesday before doing this to me?”
Tom: No, I don’t suppose you could say that. But don’t you already belong to The C40 Cities Climate Leadership Group? Weren’t you elected to the C40 Steering Committee last August?
Parker: Wow! You really do your homework, now don’t you? Yeah, but that’s different – it’s an international group, it’s all mayors, the members’ philosophies range over the entire political spectrum, and mostly all we do is talk.
Tom: In other words, C40 is a perfect climate change organization for someone like you to belong to – it draws in the Rice University and other liberal Houston voters without alienating a significant portion of typical Texans who happen to live there.
Parker: Right! And more importantly – it doesn’t have Obama’s fingerprints all over it! Now that I’m in his precious State, Local, and Tribal Leaders Task Force on Climate Preparedness, I’m saddled with the Obama brand, whether I like it or not. And this club of his is stuffed with liberal Democrats that ordinary Texas voters are almost guaranteed to hate and despise – Governor Jerry Brown of California, Governor Jay Inslee of Washington and Governor Neil Abercrombie of Hawaii; plus that weird guy from Delaware, Jack Markell, and those flaming socialists, Martin O’Malley from Maryland and Pete Shumlin from Vermont! Lord, give me strength – a socialist from Vermont! Not to mention Pat Quinn, the governor of Illinois, and an Obama crony par excelence! Now tell me, Tom, how am I supposed to run for governor of Texas next year? My opponents will be showing television ads of me in a split screen with all of those people, and I’ll be sunk! And the same thing will happen if I run for United States Senate, too!
Tom: There’s a Republican on the Task Force. Eddie Calvo, the governor of Guam, is a member.
Parker: Oh, right, goodie for me – one Republican governor – from Guam! Do you have any idea what percentage of the Texas electorate even know that Guam is part of the United States of America, much less where it is?
Tom: Well, I do know that less than fifteen percent of the general American public have ever even heard of Guam, less than nine percent know that it is part of the United States of America, less than six percent can find Guam on a map of the world, less than three percent know that since 1970 Guam has had an elected governor, less than two percent know that the incumbent is a Republican, and less and one percent know he’s named Eddie Calvo.
Parker: Okay, then, I rest my case. We’re talking Texas here – divide all those percentages by ten!
Tom: Just trying to present the positive potential of the situation.
Parker: What positive potential? Do the math and that works out to one half of one percent – maximum, mind you – of the Texas vote for governor or US Senate goes my way in 2014 because Obama put the governor of Guam on his beloved climate change task force! Come on, Tom, you’re the Beltway insider here – what’s Obama got against me?
Tom: Um… well, you did pressure him pretty hard on gay rights, and there you were in Texas, which is sort of Bigot Central these days, you know, and looking like a hypothetical episode of Profiles in Courage, basically upstaging him on the issue. Eventually, your heroic stance made him cave in and modify his position, and I’m sure there’s some kind of reluctant admiration in him for your display of guts and determination. However, he’s black, and getting a black politician to come out in favor of homosexuals is deeply traumatic for them, even if the black politician in question happens to be the President of the United States. Bottom line, you held his feet to the fire – maybe a bit too long, maybe bit too close, and maybe a bit too big of a fire, at that – and now, his feet are still pretty sore and blistered from it. So it’s no surprise he might have a desire – perhaps repressed and subconscious, but nevertheless present and fully capable of motivating him – to teach you a lesson. But being a very intelligent and sophisticated fellow, he waited. Yes, he waited for the appropriate opportunity, and then he gave you a white elephant.
Parker: White elephant?
Tom: Back in the day, the King of Thailand owned a substantial herd of white elephants – as reincarnations of royalty, heros and special ancestors, they were considered to be spiritually powerful beings, you see. And the law was, any time a white elephant was born, it automatically belonged to the King, and as soon as it was weaned from its mother, the animal was delivered to the Royal Elephant Yard. So, if you owned a female elephant, and she gave birth to a white calf, you basically paid the Royal Treasury a huge, unexpected tax, because as the ancient equivalent of a multi-ton tractor, elephants were, of course, very valuable as farm and construction equipment, and losing one without compensation was quite a substantial setback. Furthermore, the upkeep of elephants was extremely expensive – they eat huge amounts of food every day and if there was ever a high-maintenance pet, an elephant’s it. And on top of all that, white elephants, being the magically empowered incarnation of royal ancestors, cultural heros and all manner of various demigods, were forbidden by law to work.
Parker: Okay, I get it – that’s where we get the phrase “white elephant,” right? So what?
Tom: So, as I was about to point out, whenever somebody offended the King, instead of being mean to that person and looking like a cruel tyrant, thereby scaring and upsetting his loyal subjects, he would give that upstart, schemer, loud-mouth, trouble-maker, critic or… social activist… a white elephant. The gift was a great honor and could not be refused, but after accepting it, the recipient was obligated to feed and care for an elephant without the ability to use it to earn income. The result, in most cases, was to reduce the unlucky owner to a complete penury and failure. And that’s what Obama did to you. He gave you a white elephant, a huge political liability from which, considering your current voter base, he believes you cannot gracefully escape.
Parker: But I’ve got to! What other choice do I have?
Tom: You mean, besides retiring from politics?
Parker: Yes, of course, I mean besides retiring from politics!
Tom: Sure, I understand. Certainly, if you intend to pursue either the Texas governorship or a Texas seat in United States Senate, both of which are state-wide offices, it will now be absolutely necessary for you to go moderate to skeptical on global warming.
Parker: Moderate… to skeptical? Meaning what?
Tom: Moderate would be to recognize, for example, that, whatever the cause of global warming, the data show the earth’s atmosphere has not warmed significantly in the last ten years.
Parker: That’s because, due to the higher wind activity and water surface mixing caused by global warming, for the last ten years or so, the oceans have been acting as a heat sink! But in fact, the entire system, including the oceans and the atmosphere, is heating up, and much faster than we thought!
Tom: True – that’s the part you leave out.
Parker: Leave out?
Tom: In order to appear moderate.
Parker: Huh. So what do I have to leave out in order to “go skeptical,” as you put it?
Tom: Well, nobody’s going to accept you denying that the earth – including the oceans, of course – is becoming warmer than it has been in the last forty thousand years, but you could go skeptical by beginning to question whether that is due to human activity.
Parker: Oh, my God! I could never do that!
Tom: Why not?
Parker: Because it simply isn’t true, that’s why!
Tom: Your Honor, does the incumbent governor of Texas let a trivial thing like the truth get in his way?
Parker: No, but…
Tom: Are either of your state’s current United States senators restrained by the chafing chains of noisome reality?
Parker: Can’t say as they are, no.
Tom: Well, let me assure you, Your Honor, that here in Washington, we have such high respect for the truth, it is a time-honored tradition that we only use it on very, very special occasions. Anyway, if you can’t stomach those strategies for one reason or another, I suppose you could always run for Congress in 2014. Perhaps the Eighteenth District might be available? After all, if she wins in 2014 and takes office, Sheila Jackson Lee will be um… let me see here…
Parker: Sixty-five.
Tom: I’ll take your word for it. So how about that?
Parker: A seat in the House of Representatives? Are you telling me, that because of this… this… white elephant Obama gave me, that’s the best I can do now?
Tom: I’m afraid so. He may only be the President of the United States, but he can still appoint people to positions on committees, task forces, commissions and boards of inquiry that have the potential to absolutely ruin their political careers.
Parker: And so?
Tom: And so it’s up to you now, whether you want to eat crow and become an overt hypocrite in order to make yourself sufficiently appealing to the state-wide Texas electorate and thereby achieve the governorship or a US Senate seat; or, as I just suggested, run for a House seat in a district that will elect you in spite of your views on gay rights, social welfare and, of course, global warming.
Parker: Hmmm… maybe the Second or the Seventh districts would be better.
Tom: Well, both of them do have incumbent Republicans at the moment. I’ll leave the choice of districts in your capable hands.
Parker: Food for thought, anyway. I’ll consider it. So, is there anything else you can offer in the way of advice?
Tom: Your Honor, your call reminds me of a venerable Texas anecdote. Amanda Ray and Bobby Jean are making out hot and heavy in Amanda Ray’s pickup truck parked behind the Dairy Queen in Lubbock, and finally Bobby Jean says, “I want you to take me, Amanda Ray, I want you to take me where it’s hot and damp and smelly!” To which Amanda Ray replies, “Jesus Christ, Bobby Jean, why the hell do you want to drive all the way the Houston?”
Parker: Okay, that does it for me! What do I owe you?
Tom: It’s my policy not to charge my clients for their initial consultations.
Parker: Oh, that’s good. That’s great, in fact, considering what I’ve been told about your rates.
Tom: You get what you pay for, Your Honor.
Parker: So they say. All right then, goodbye, Tom.
Tom: Have a nice day, Your Honor.