Despite the national holiday here in the United States being celebrated next Monday, in fact Wednesday January 15 was the actual birthday of the Right Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, Ph.D. And it was on the good Doctor’s birthday that I received a call from Pat McCrory, the Republican governor of North Carolina.
Tom: Good morning, Governor.
McCrory: Hello, is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is, Governor.
McCrory: Uh, okay, then, Mr. Collins, I, uh, have been given to understand that you, um, offer initial consultations, ah, free of charge?
Tom: That’s correct, Governor.
McCrory: Oh, that’s good, because frankly, your hourly rates are… unbelievable, I guess is the word I’m looking for here. People actually pay that kind of money for your advice?
Tom: Yes they do, Governor, and I have an extensive client base of dedicated repeat customers, I might add.
McCrory: Amazing! I guess it’s like they say, truth is stranger than fiction.
Tom: Indeed, Governor. Hardly a day goes by, that, after hearing one of my client’s stories, I don’t say to myself, “Jesus Christ Almighty, I couldn’t make that up if my life depended on it.” And speaking of stories, Governor, what’s yours?
McCrory: Oh, yeah, that. Maybe you’ve heard, how the United States Representative for the 12th District of North Carolina recently resigned?
Tom: Certainly. Mel Watt resigned his seat in the House last month after being confirmed by the Senate to head the Federal Housing Finance Agency.
McCrory: So, as governor, it was my responsibility to schedule an election to replace him, which, of course, I did.
Tom: In November, 2014.
McCrory: Right.
Tom: Over three hundred days after Representative Watt resigned.
McCrory: Uh-huh.
Tom: So you, a white Republican governor of North Carolina, a state which was a member of the Confederacy, and fought the Civil War against the Union to preserve and perpetuate the enslavement of blacks, left the 12th Congressional District of your state, which is predominantly black and Democratic, without a vote in the US House of Representatives for over 300 days, which amounts to over forty percent of a United States representatives’ two year term in Congress.
McCrory: Yeah, that’s how the math works out, I suppose.
Tom: Jesus Christ Almighty, I couldn’t make that up if my life depended on it.
McCrory: What?
Tom: Oh, nothing. Never mind. May I ask how you got my office number here in Washington DC, Governor?
McCrory: Chris Christie gave it to me.
Tom: I must remember to thank him. So, I understand there has been some push-back, as we say here inside the Beltway, to your decision. Would you care to comment on that?
McCrory: Well, as you know, Tom, I’m sworn to uphold the constitutional laws of North Carolina, and I can’t change those laws between now and that election. I so I made decision — I think the only difference in any other option was about two months, and those would be in the summer. And I think everybody knows that Congress doesn’t generally get anything much done between July and November.
Tom: Governor, it’s January.
McCrory: Well, anywho, you know, this particular Congress hasn’t gotten anything much at all done since it got to Washington, now has it? So why should anybody worry about sending somebody up there to sit on Capitol Hill and do nothing but doodly-squat for a couple of months, know what I mean?
Tom: The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People doesn’t see it that way, apparently.
McCrory: I don’t think it’s considered polite to say “colored people,” Tom.
Tom: No, Governor, in general it’s not, but when referring to the NAACP, the use of the term “colored people” is permissible, because the organization’s name contains the phrase, and because it was founded by people of color, consists primarily of people of color, seeks to advance the interests of people of color, and was incorporated in 1909, when people of color called themselves, “colored people,” as everyone else did in those days.
McCrory: Okay, if you say so, in that case, the National Association for the Advancement of… ahem… Colored People is full of beans, know what I mean? Look, I ordered a primary election to replace Watt’s 12th district seat for May 6, 2014. That’s the regularly scheduled date for North Carolina primary elections, so what’s all the fuss about? I mean, sure, if none of the candidates receives more than forty percent of the vote, the second place candidate can request a runoff, which would be held on July 15, which is the same day reserved for any regularly scheduled primary runoffs. Fair’s fair, isn’t is?
Tom: Governor, that situation is, however, actually quite likely. The 12th District of North Carolina is a heavily Democratic district. It was, in fact, gerrymandered to be that way.
McCrory: Gerrymandered? We prefer “supermandered” around here, Tom! North Carolina’s 12th District is nothing less than a work of art! It’s one of the top five most gerrymandered Congressional districts in the United States, and we’re damn proud of it!
Tom: I’m sure you are. But Democrats could not help but notice that your official Writ of Election fails to include a provision that, should no candidate request a run-off, a special election be held in July, not November.
McCrory: Right – like I said – July, November – what’s a couple of summer months in Washington DC?
Tom: Governor, North Carolina’s 12th and 13th Congressional districts are the only two that had black members of the House representing your state on Capitol Hill. It’s obvious why the black community in North Carolina, not to mention the black community throughout the United States, is upset about what looks like your intentional actions to deprive 12th district voters of their franchise.
McCrory: But that’s not it at all! Holding stand-alone special elections for Watt’s seat would cost North Carolina taxpayers more than a million dollars! My motivations in this situation have been completely misunderstood, misconstrued and miscommunicated! And I that’s why I called you, Tom. This is totally unfair! What can I do? How can I respond?
Tom: First of all, forget about that million dollars.
McCrory: Forget about it? Why? How come?
Tom: Because the only way out of this that doesn’t make you look like a vote-suppressing racist bigot is going to cost more than that. But on the alternative side, I can guarantee, it will show up the NAACP and all the other civil rights groups that will inevitably continue to complain about this, unless North Carolina is willing to spend that one million bucks on special elections to fill Watt’s House seat a quickly as possible.
McCrory: Aw, shucks. Okay, shoot – I’m all ears.
Tom: Good – all right, then. What’s their battle cry?
McCrory: Huh? Who?
Tom: Your opposition – the NAACP and their ilk, what do they keep saying about this, over and over?
McCrory: Oh, them. Um… they keep saying this is “Taxation without representation” and that’s tyranny in their book. It’s only rhetoric, of course; nothing you’d take seriously.
Tom: It’s tyranny in anybody’s book, Governor. But in your case, I would recommend that you do take that statement seriously, rather than rhetorically, and turn it against them.
McCrory: Really? How?
Tom: Say if North Carolina were to hold a special election primary in February, a special runoff election in March and special general election on April Fool’s Day, Mel Watt’s presumably black, presumably Democrat replacement could be sworn in at Washington about 285 days earlier than your plan would allow.
McCrory: Uh, theoretically, yeah, I guess so.
Tom: But that’s not going to happen.
McCrory: You’re darn tootin’ it’s not!
Tom: So what you do is say, since that’s not going to happen, the state of North Carolina will pay the federal taxes for every resident of the 12th district for 300 days including every day in that period. So there the citizens of the 12th district will have it – on the one hand, they get no representation, but on the other, they have no taxation either. In short, they get no taxation without representation – and that is exactly what the NAACP is demanding. And the sweet part of it is, Governor, it won’t cost that much, because the 12th district is so extremely gerrymandered – uh, make that supermandered – that almost all of the people in it are too poor to owe any federal taxes to begin with. Not that the bill won’t be more than a million, of course, but it won’t be all that much more.
McCrory: My God, that’s right! You know, that could work! Tell you what – I’ll run it by my advisors, the state Republican organization and the RNC, and see what they all say.
Tom: Oh, well, if you do that, Governor, I’m sure you will fail to achieve the necessary consensus. No, this is the sort of thing that requires… shall we say, a functional set of intestinal fortitudes.
McCrory: “Intestinal fortitudes?”
Tom: Yeah – you know – most guys have a pair. To do this, you’ll have to use them.
McCrory: Yeah, I get it now. You’re saying I’d need to have some… um… uh…
Tom: What our British friends call “stones,” Governor.
McCrory: Oh, well now, that’s a problem there, you see – because since 2010, the Tea Party has had every Republican governor’s um… manhood… stored in suspended animation under liquid nitrogen in a Koch Industries warehouse down on the docks in Charleston, South Carolina.
Tom: True, but you can check them out for use in Republican Party related activities for periods up to a month, you know.
McCrory: Really? Gee, now how come nobody told me that?
Tom: There’s some paperwork, of course, but Chris Christie can help you with it. He got his back for three weeks during Hurricane Sandy.
McCrory: Oh, so that’s how he did it.
Tom: Yeah.
McCrory: Okay, I guess my next call’s going to be to Chris for some advice on how to get through all the red tape involved.
Tom: Right. And lots of luck with that.
McCrory: Thanks. Goodbye, Tom.