Calls from politicians who want to be President of the United States aren’t that unusual, but one thing I’ve noticed over the course of the last several elections is that as time goes on, I get them earlier and earlier. I mean, really, November 8, 2016 is 616 days away, and already here’s my first call – from Jeb Bush. And don’t tell me he doesn’t want to be President, because as of today, I know better. Actually, the man has essentially concluded the Presidency is his hereditary right, more or less the same way Hillary Clinton reckons that, having been married to Bill Clinton, had his child, put up with his philandering and lived with him for eight years in the White House, it’s her turn now. The bottom line, of course, is that neither of them have any particular talent or qualifications other than their filial association with other people who have previously been President of the United States. Curiously, both of them are completely certain that should be enough, and stranger still, if the polls are to be believed, so do millions of American voters. Go figure.
The prospect of witnessing the pair of them duke it out strikes me as akin to ancient residents of Constantinople watching two Byzantine families contending over who will be the next Emperor to rule from the Golden Throne. And should that occur, the evidence it would provide that our political system has degenerated to such a degree it can manage to mount nothing superior to a pathetically transparent dynastic conflict will do little to encourage my confidence in the resilience, durability or longevity of our fair Republic. But on the other hand, who cares what I think?
Jeb’s flunkies started bothering Gretchen for a telephone consultation around seven-thirty in the morning, shortly after she arrived at the office. She got there at that ungodly hour precisely because we were completely booked solid for the entire week, from eight in the morning until six in the evening. Not that I’m complaining, of course – the money’s never been better. But rest assured, squeezing Jeb into today’s schedule was no mean feat, and it proves once again that Gretchen’s just about the best private secretary a Washington DC policy consultant could ask for.
Jeb: Hello, Tom Collins?
Tom: This is he, Governor.
Jeb: Oh, you don’t have to call me “Governor.” I haven’t been a governor since 2007. Call me Jeb.
Tom: Sure, Jeb. How can I help you?
Jeb: Okay, for starters, as you know, there’s talk going around that I’m contemplating thinking about considering actively exploring the possibility of running for President in 2016.
Tom: Yeah, Jeb, now that you mention it, I do believe I might have heard some passing rumors of that somewhere.
Jeb: Well, as they say down in Florida, don’t let the cat out of the bag, but it’s true.
Tom: You mean you’re going to run?
Jeb: No, as they say down in Texas, hold your horses there, partner, I didn’t say that.
Tom: But you want to be President, right?
Jeb: Oh, hell yeah, of course I do. Don’t you?
Tom: Actually, no.
Jeb: Really? Why not?
Tom: Frankly, Jeb, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t tolerate the humiliation and debasement of my character necessary to win an American election of any sort, much less a run for the Presidency.
Jeb: Yeah, there is that – but once you got the job, it’s really cushy, know what I mean? Secret Service, White House chef, Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marine Band playing Hail to the Chief, Camp David, Air Force One, Oval Office, Rose Garden, the whole nine yards.
Tom: True.
Jeb: Not to mention everybody kissing your butt 24/7. Gotta like that, know what I mean?
Tom: I can imagine.
Jeb: Oh, yeah, me too – I imagine it’s gonna be real nice. Actually, I know it for a fact from my Daddy and big brother George. But keep it under your hat, though, okay? Tick a lock – mum’s the word and all that, heh, heh.
Tom: Jeb, I can assure you of exactly the same level of security and secrecy I provide for all of my clients.
Jeb: Right, that sounds good. And, um… this here is my first call, isn’t it?
Tom: Yes, and therefore, this consultation is without charge.
Jeb: Okay – that’s what I heard. That’s a good thing, too, because these here rates of yours are…
Tom: Yes, yes, I know. What can I do for you, Jeb? My schedule today is packed with paying clients who have come to realize they get what they pay for.
Jeb: Oh, oh, yeah. I hear you’re about as busy as a one-armed paper hanger or thereabouts.
Tom: With all ritual apologies due to the handicapped, I am, in fact at least that busy.
Jeb: Oh me, too, as a matter of fact. It’s one thing after another, know what I mean? For instance, by the way, you hear about what happened to Hillary?
Tom: You mean, the revelation this morning that, for her entire tenure as Secretary of State, she used a private email account, instead of an authorized federal government account at the Department of State, as required by law?
Jeb: Heh, heh, heh… yeah that. Whattya think?
Tom: I think it’s typical of the Clinton mind set.
Jeb: Hell yeah, ain’t that the truth? She’s gonna look like nine miles of bad road stacked up against my full email disclosure, don’t you think? I tell you, those Clintons are a totally messed up family of dangerous, unstable power-mad [expletive] holes, aren’t they?
Tom: I believe I will yield to your superior understanding and experience with respect to such issues, Jeb.
Jeb: Gee, thanks. Tell me, how’d you like Netanyahu’s speech to Congress today, huh? Is he one tough Jew or what?
Tom: I laughed, I cried, I applauded and I groaned – all in the wrong places, I’m afraid. What can I do for you?
Jeb: Oh, yeah, well, now… that... uh-huh; Tom here’s the problem, see – there I was at CPAC last week, giving a speech, and the Tea Party folks were heckling and booing at me and stuff. And there’s been a whole [expletive] load of talk saying I’m not conservative enough. So I was thinking, you know, what I could do to improve my image with that there conservative base that means so much to winning Republican primaries and all, and it occurred to me, here’s that Communist dictator, Nicolas Maduro down in Venezuela, who put out this list, see, of people who are banned from traveling there.
Tom: Ah yes, that was in the news. President Maduro banned your father, your brother George, Dick Cheney, Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Representative Mario Diaz-Balart…
Jeb: Both of them from Congressional districts in Florida.
Tom: Right. And Senator Marco Rubio…
Jeb: Also from Florida. See? There’s three Republicans from Florida, where I used to be the governor, and my Dad and Dubya and Dick Cheney. So there’s no doubt about it, is there?
Tom: No doubt about what?
Jeb: That being on the same list as those three conservative Republicans, my Dad, Dubya and most of all, Dick Cheney, would be absolutely great for my conservative credentials!
Tom: Couldn’t hurt, I guess. So?
Jeb: So that’s why I called you – what can I do to get on it?
Tom: You mean, want President Maduro to ban you from travel to Venezuela?
Jeb: Yeah.
Tom: And you’d like to hear some ideas on how to accomplish that?
Jeb: Uh-huh.
Tom: I see. Okay, for starters, why don’t you denounce CITGO?
Jeb: CITGO? You mean the gas stations?
Tom: Yeah – CITGO is owned by Venezuela, you know.
Jeb: It is?
Tom: Yeah. What’s more, Venezuela uses CITGO to give heating oil to poor Americans during the winter.
Jeb: No – really?
Tom: Really. And they advertise the fact on regional television and radio all over the United States.
Jeb: Damn! Those dirty Commies!
Tom: Very. So you could denounce that, too.
Jeb: Okay, yeah, I get it. So maybe I should say Venezuela is a lousy place to vacation, too, huh?
Tom: You could, but lately it’s only about three percent of their GDP. It’s a nice insult though, and definitely worth a try. It would probably be better, however, if you were to publicly endorse S 2142, The Venezuela Defense of Human Rights and Civil Society Act of 2014.
Jeb: What’s that?
Tom: Um… well, it’s a bill to support human rights and due process of law in Venezuela.
Jeb: I see. Sounds like a pretty good idea.
Tom: That remains to be seen. But if you endorse it, doing so might enrage President Maduro sufficiently that he would include you on his list.
Jeb: Right, I better look into that. I’ll have one of my staff read it and tell me what it means.
Tom: Spoken like a true Ivy Leaguer.
Jeb: Yep, no doubt about that. Keep going!
Tom: I’d say, study up on the rhetoric that Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Mario Diaz-Balart and Marco Rubio used to get Maduro’s dander up. Make some speeches where you call him a ruthless, heartless, amoral, scheming dictator who murders his political opponents, assassinates honest journalists and tortures anyone who disagrees with him.
Jeb: Kinda like Fidel Castro, huh?
Tom: I was thinking more like Vladimir Putin, but it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other, I guess. Just make sure you lay it on thick enough so a moron can understand it.
Jeb: You mean, Maduro’s a moron?
Tom: No, I was thinking about the Tea Party, actually. They’re the ones consuming the rhetoric, after all. Maduro’s just the one who is supposed to overhear it and lose his temper. But do not, under any circumstances, underestimate him; the man is exceedingly shrewd. If your intended audience doesn’t understand what you’re saying, he will notice that. So you have to at least sound sincere enough with this bull [expletive], lest your bloviation ring false in his ears and he realize that you’re playing him.
Jeb: Okay, I understand. I’ll have my speech writers take all that there stuff under advisement and all what you said and so forth. You got any good dirt on this weasel Maduro I could use?
Tom: Ah, well, I’ve got some good dirt, but…
Jeb: Well come on then! What you got?
Tom: Last week I had a consultation with a fellow from Venezuela who now works for an aerospace company in Bethesda. He mentioned that his sister, was… intimate… with Maduro about twenty years ago, and in the course of that intercourse she discovered that Maduro is hung like a hamster.
Jeb: Pardon me, but I’m not very… familiar with… um… hamster anatomy and such. Are you saying that this Maduro character’s got a tiny little… uh… jalapeño in his pants?
Tom: More or less. Mostly less, actually.
Jeb: That’s pretty hot stuff all right. But it’s not the kind of thing I could put in a speech, though, is it?
Tom: No, but your… um… staff… could make sure it hits Twitter and Facebook, anonymously and / or pseudonymously, of course, all while dropping hints it came from you.
Jeb: Oh yeah, now it get it – some kind of reverse psychology thing with a propaganda angle or whatever.
Tom: Or whatever, yes.
Jeb: Anything else?
Tom: Try goading Maduro about the Colombians. Say he’s afraid of them, that Venezuela can’t stand up to a real democracy like Colombia, and that Simón José Antonio de la Santísima Trinidad Bolívar y Palacios Ponte y Blanco must be rolling in his grave...
Jeb: Who?
Tom: You know, Simon Bolivar, the Great Liberator of South America.
Jeb: Who?
Tom: Oh, never mind. Have your speech writers think of some clever ways to say Colombia thinks Venezuela sucks eggs, or words to that effect.
Jeb: Okay. So you think all this stuff is gonna work?
Tom: All I can say is give it a try.
Jeb: Sure, I get it. Who knows, right?
Tom: Free advice.
Jeb: Free advice?
Tom: Free advice costs nothing and it’s worth the price.
Jeb: Damn, you know, that there’s halfway poetic or something.
Tom: Thanks, Mr. Interlocutor.
Jeb: Huh?
Tom: You’re welcome, Mr. Bones.
Jeb: Excuse me?
Tom: Never mind. Anything else I can do for you at the moment?
Jeb: Um… not that I can think of.
Tom: Okay. Talk to you later, Jeb. Take care.
Jeb: Uh, yeah, sure. ‘Bye.