As frequent readers of this Web log are no doubt aware, my full name is Tom Collins Martini. I have mentioned before that my grandfather grew up in New York’s Little Italy and subsequently abandoned it, anglicizing his last name to Martin, moving to a white picket fence suburb and forbidding his wife to speak Italian, lest the neighbors overhear and suspect. And my own dad, of course, as I have also related, grew up thinking he was of Northern European extraction, having no idea his ancestors hailed from the Bay of Naples, and upon learning the truth changed his name to the original, unmistakably Italian Martini, moved back to Little Italy and resigned his employment as an engineer with General Dynamics to become a bartender to the stars of Broadway, as well as the New York arts and literary scenes, at a grand hotel just off Central Park.
Therefore, as one might imagine, Columbus Day is a bittersweet occasion for me. I certainly have no illusions about Columbus himself – the story of his exploits reads rather like a bad Italian joke, which is to say, a joke in the same sense as a Polish joke – he didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know where he was when he got there, he completely screwed up while he was there and he didn’t know where he had been after he got back. Sadly, that’s basically all factual, too – Columbus went to his grave insisting he had discovered a route to the East Indies, steadfastly refusing to believe there was a new continent, not to mention a huge expanse of virtually empty ocean, standing between him and his forlorn dream to become Spain’s Illustrious Emissary to the Court of Cathay and Viceroy of the Western Sea. Alas, as they say in Little Italy, fuggetabout it, Cristoforo, not even close. And of course, he was hell on the poor folks he encountered here in America, wasn’t he? Believe me, if the holiday gets changed from Columbus Day to Native American Day, here’s one Italian-American who isn’t going to squawk about it.
So despite my heritage, considering these issues, I have absolutely no problem working on Columbus Day, especially when it’s just another Monday, as it was today, for so many of my clients. Gretchen, naturally, gets double overtime for working on Columbus Day, so she’s delighted to come in and miss all the parades, festivities, and speeches about what a genius Christopher Columbus was. In fact, he was anything but. That’s why the King of Portugal and nearly every other major court in Europe had turned down his proposal to sail west to China – all educated people in the late fifteenth century knew the earth was round; even educated ancient Greeks knew that, and actually, one of them, Eratosthenes of Cyrene, had calculated (quite accurately, as we now know) how big it is. And when the crowned heads of Europe asked their fifteenth century consultants to evaluate Columbus’ proposal, their assessments all said the same thing – Columbus was assuming the earth was much smaller than it actually is, and even if there was nothing but open water between the western coast of Iberia and the beaches of eastern China and the Spice Islands, no ships known to contemporary marine technology could stock enough provisions to feed a crew long enough to sail that far, because when the consultants did the math, it turned out that Columbus was proposing to travel a minimum of six thousand miles across, well, who knows what? So it’s no surprise that the only two European monarchs he could talk into signing off on such a harebrained scheme were a couple of teenagers – Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, who, like most teenagers, didn’t like listening to advice from their elders and weren’t particularly good at math.
In one way, though, Columbus was definitely ahead of his time. Long before Ronald Reagan, Newt Gingrich or Donald Trump, he had discovered the principle of fact-free reasoning: he wanted the world to be small enough for him reach China by sailing west, so that, he concluded, is what size it must be. He wanted the place he made landfall to be the East Indies, so that, he concluded, is where he was when he landed on an island in the Caribbean. It’s a paradigm which has been subsequently demonstrated to possess very considerable power indeed, and it was that thought which sailed across my mind like Columbus’ tiny flotilla as Gretchen informed me that there was a woman identifying herself only as “Betty” who had been calling all morning, asking for a consultation concerning Ben Carson. She wasn’t on my appointment schedule, of course, but I decided to cancel my luncheon restaurant reservation, send out to SEI for sushi, and speak with her.
Betty: Hello? Is this Tom Collins?
Tom: It is, ma’am. How may I help you?
Betty: Well, um… I’m, ah… a friend of Ben Carson’s wife, Candy.
Tom: Of course you are.
Betty: And we were… um… talking… yesterday about Ben… uh, I mean, Dr. Carson.
Tom: What about him?
Betty: Well, ah… first of all, I want to make sure of something.
Tom: What’s that?
Betty: I hear you don’t charge people anything for the first… uh… appointment.
Tom: That’s true – initial consultations are free of charge. It’s part of my marketing strategy
Betty: Oh, good, because I checked out your rates, and my God… I mean, no offense.
Tom: None taken.
Betty: But I must confess, I was… amazed, I guess the word is… that folks pay that kind of money per hour just to hear your advice.
Tom: One gets what one pays for, ma’am. I have plenty of clients who avail themselves of my services on a regular basis. May I ask where you got my office telephone number?
Betty: I uh… Googled you, of course.
Tom: Madame, you will not find my office telephone number with Google or any other search engine.
Betty: I… oh, I’m sorry, I’d hate to get off on the wrong foot with you here – that was a fib, I admit it. I apologize, Mr. Collins. The truth is, somebody gave me your office telephone number.
Tom: No problem. I catch people lying to me all the time. Who gave you the number?
Betty: I… that is… um… I don’t know if that person would want me to say who…
Tom: It was Rand Paul, wasn’t it?
Betty: What! How did you… I mean… oh, shoot! Yes, it was him.
Tom: Makes sense. The bookies in Vegas are quoting fifteen hundred to one odds that Rand will be elected President. On the other hand, they’re offering five to one for Ben Carson, and if that happens, Rand probably figures he might have a shot at a Cabinet post in a Carson administration.
Betty: Oh, my God! That’s exactly what he… I mean, I’m not sure what his motives are. But anyway, this… um… what did you call it… a… consultation?
Tom: Yes, that’s what I call it.
Betty: Right – this consultation. It’s free?
Tom: Yes, ma’am, it certainly is. So – what about your friend’s husband?
Betty: Who?
Tom: You did just tell me that you are a friend of Candy Carson, Ben Carson’s wife, didn’t you?
Betty: Oh… why, yes, yes, I did. And I am.
Tom: So what about him?
Betty: So… um… Candy’s worried about the things Ben’s… I mean, Dr. Carson has been saying lately.
Tom: Such as what, for instance?
Betty: Well, since he started running for President, Ben… I mean, Dr. Carson has always said what he thinks and let the chips fall where they may.
Tom: That he has. He said that being gay is a choice people make for themselves, for example.
Betty: Yes, it is. I mean, yes, he did.
Tom: And when asked to explain that, he said that convicted criminals got to prison and become gay.
Betty: Well, that more or less proves his point, doesn’t it?
Tom: That’s debatable. What isn’t is that he got so much flak for that, he issued an apology.
Betty: Ben… I mean, Dr. Carson hates apologizing when he’s right.
Tom: Seem like he hates apologizing no matter what.
Betty: Well, he’s proud man.
Tom: And an opinionated one, as well. As I recall, he had to do some pretty fancy explaining after he said that a Muslim should not be President.
Betty: You’re not saying you want to live under Sharia law, are you?
Tom: No, but the Constitution says there shall be no religious test to hold federal office.
Betty: He explained that being Muslim is a life style, not a religion.
Tom: Yes, I know. So that makes it like saying surfers or vegans shouldn’t be President.
Betty: And the Constitution doesn’t say anything about them, now does it?
Tom: No it doesn’t say anything about lifestyles. But then again, I don’t think “lifestyle” was a concept back when the wrote the Constitution. I think he implied that President Obama is a Muslim sympathizer, too, didn’t he?
Betty: Yeah, and I keep telling… I mean, Candy keeps telling him to lay off that Obama’s-a-secret-Muslim stuff, too, but he just won’t listen!
Tom: Apparently not. When asked how he thinks Obama would react to a mass shooting of Muslims, Dr. Carson stated that he believes Obama would have “a seizure” about it. Very few Americans would find that believable.
Betty: I don’t… uh… that is, I’m sure Candy would agree that’s a pretty extreme statement.
Tom: And Ben has issues with the theory of evolution, too, doesn’t he?
Betty: No issues, really – he just doesn’t believe in it, that’s all.
Tom: And he said that fossils of ancient humans and hominids might just be deformed skeletons of ordinary people who lived after the Creation, didn’t he?
Betty: Yeah, I suppose so. And he got a lot of grief for that, too. And then he said that Advanced Placement history texts are so politically correct, reading them would make a kid want to go out and join ISIS.
Tom: Well, I can see what he was getting at there, but there’s hyperbole and then there’s flat-out Looney Tunes, and it’s pretty obvious he crossed the line there.
Betty: I know.
Tom: And as I recall, when asked why the thinks Americans held slaves, practiced genocide on the Indians and locked up Japanese Americans during World War II, he replied that everybody makes mistakes, or words to that effect.
Betty: Yes, he did.
Tom: Which, at best makes him look callous and at worst could be cited as evidence that he lacks normal psychological affect.
Betty: That’s what I’m… I mean, that’s the kind of thing Candy is worried about, because it just isn’t true!
Tom: Of course not. I’m sure Dr. Carson is a warm, caring, empathetic human being with a great deal of sympathy for the plight of his fellow man – or woman, as the case may be. On the other hand though, it seems he does talk like a paranoid sometimes, doesn’t he? Like when he said that the “PC Police,” the liberal politicians and the news media are the reason Americans today are living in a society like Nazi Germany.
Betty: No doubt about it, he has that tendency to go over the top. It’s like it’s his Achilles’ heel or something.
Tom: Like when he said that the Affordable Care Act is equivalent to slavery because it makes everyone subservient to the government, and then, when he attempted to clarify his remarks in response to widespread criticism, he stated that while slavery was bad, it wasn’t like Obamacare, because slavery didn’t “fundamentally change the United States,” whereas Obamacare does. And then there was that shooting at Umpqua Community College in Oregon…
Betty: Yeah, Ben… um… that is, Dr. Carson… really put his foot in his mouth over all that business. I… I mean, Candy told me that she warned him not to let some talking head on TV rope-a-dope him on guns, but damn, it’s just in one ear and out the other with that man!
Tom: Like when he said that, as a doctor, he had never seen a bullet-riddled body that was more horrible to contemplate than the idea of taking away our Second Amendment rights?
Betty: Tell me about it! Why in the hell did he have to put it like that?
Tom: It almost sounds like he’s saying bullet-riddled bodies are the price we pay to have gun shows where lunatics can buy automatic weapon conversion kits without a background check.
Betty: I know it does, but that’s not what he meant! He meant… he meant… well, I’m not sure I know exactly what he meant, except that the right to keep and bear arms is sacred. But sweet Jesus, why couldn’t he have just said that instead?
Tom: Interesting question. And then there’s when he went on Fox and stated that if he had been there at the Umpqua shooting, he would have told everyone to rush the gunman, because he couldn’t have shot all of them before being overwhelmed.
Betty: Big mistake, I know.
Tom: No law enforcement agency in the United States would advise that course of action. It made a lot of folks wonder what planet Dr. Carson thinks he’s living on. Then he told that anecdote about being in a Popeyes’ restaurant that was being robbed.
Betty: Oh, God… it hurts my head just to think about it.
Tom: Dr. Carson said that the robber stuck a gun in his ribs, and his response was to point out the person at the cash register and say, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” That’s a real gem, that one – “hey there, armed criminal, don’t shoot me – go shoot that other guy.” You’d think Dr. Carson would realize that Americans don’t want a conniving coward for President of the United States, especially one who seems to take some kind of perverse pride in being one.
Betty: That’s exactly what… um… Candy told me she told him. And then he went and ticked off the Jews with that stuff about guns and the Holocaust, saying that if they had been armed like Americans are, they could have fought back. Against the whole German army? Honestly, I don’t know what… that is, Candy’s at her wits end here with the way he’s shooting his mouth off and looking like a damn fool practically every damn day! Maybe he can get away with it in the Republican primary race, but nobody’s going to convince me that I’m going to move in… I mean, visit Candy in the White House if Hillary or Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden or whoever has all these damn video clips of Ben Carson shooting his damn fool mouth off with all this damn fool stuff he keeps on saying, to put into their damn TV ads! Please, Mr. Collins, can you help me?
Tom: The solution is operant conditioning.
Betty: What?
Tom: Tell your friend Candy that she will need to acquire some equipment – a belt with some copper electrodes, a ninety-volt battery, a garage door opener receiver and remote control…
Betty: What… what in the world am I going to do… I mean, what in the world is my friend Candy supposed to do with a bunch of stuff like that?
Tom: Candy should check out how those electronic fence dog collars work. It’s the same idea, except that Dr. Carson will be wearing an electrode belt connected to a ninety-volt battery through the garage door opener receiver under his coat, and your friend Candy will be at a convenient and discreet distance away, with the remote control in her purse. And whenever Dr. Carson begins to put his foot in his mouth, and is about to say something that the Democrats could use to keep him out of the White House, Candy should give him a little… twinge.
Betty: A twinge?
Tom: Yes, that’s right – a short electrical shock from a ninety-volt battery. As a matter of fact, she could work with his team to put together some practice sessions where he responds to mock questions and conversation talking points with folks from his campaign staff who are pretending to be members of the media participating in press conferences or interviews. I’d highly recommend that, actually, because if Candy puts in the time preparing him that way, Dr. Carson will be ideally conditioned for the real thing, and his frequency of cringe-worthy gaffes in public will decrease dramatically. After a few weeks, I dare say they will disappear altogether, and instead of behaving like an amateur wannabe who has never held a single public office in his entire life, Dr. Carson will become as circumspect and pleasingly ambiguous in his responses to questions and interview conversation talking points as an experienced politician. Furthermore, the risk of him spouting off some sort of disastrous, campaign-killing statement during any future debates – either with other Republicans or the Democratic candidate – will be reduced to an insignificant level.
Betty: Sounds… um… pretty extreme.
Tom: Extreme problems call for extreme solutions.
Betty: Well, I’d have to agree, his damn fool mouth is one hell of an extreme problem, no doubt about that. You sure this will work?
Tom: Absolutely. If you don’t believe me, just ask Laura Bush.
Betty: Okay, I… I’ll make sure to tell Candy to check with her first. But… since her brother-in-law is running against Dr. Carson, do you think… you know… she would be willing to talk about it?
Tom: Don’t worry – she and George aren’t all that fond of Jeb. Besides, I’ve heard that Columba uses “The Belt,” too, and Jill Biden has one ready in case her husband decides to throw his hat into the ring. God knows, if anybody needs it, he does.
Betty: Okay, well then, thanks, Mr. Collins. When Ben… I mean, Dr. Carson is President, we’ll… I mean I’ll recommend your services to him.
Tom: Thanks, I’d appreciate that.
Betty: You’re welcome, Mr. Collins. ‘Bye now.