First thing this morning, I was visited by Mohammed Lumumba al-Kessommak, a strapping young black Muslim socialist who serves as a public policy adviser to the Association of American Liberal Democratic Mayors. He took the chair placed immediately in front of my desk with an air of grim determination and self-righteous umbrage.
“Mr. Collins,” he began, “yesterday, the United States Senate voted on a bill of such unspeakable, callous barbarity that it almost beyond belief.”
“Well,” I opined, “considering the way they’ve been behaving lately, that could be any number of things. But, given your employer, I assume you are referring to S2146, the Stop Sanctuary Policies and Protect Americans Act.”
“Correct!” he affirmed, his eyes blazing. “As if persecuting undocumented workers would protect Americans from anything! You know what Americans need to be protected from? I’ll tell you – what Americans really need is protection from idiots like Senator Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania!”
“Impossible,” I told him.
“Why?” he huffed indignantly.
“Because nobody is safe when Congress is in session,” I replied.
“Who said that?” he demanded.
“Mark Twain,” I told him.
“That racist bastard?” my guest exploded.
“Mark Twain was a racist?” I asked.
“Of course he was!” Mohammed roared back at me. “He wrote books with the N-word in them!”
“Yes,” I allowed, “but that doesn’t necessarily make him a racist, and it certainly doesn’t make him wrong about Congress. Look, Mohammed, you and I both know that our esteemed Muslim socialist Kenyan President, Barack Hussein Obama II, who is himself an undocumented immigrant, would veto that bill in a New York second if, by some decidedly improbable political miracle, it ever got to his desk in the Oval Office to begin with. And – case in point, the Senate Democrats blocked S2146 yesterday, didn’t they? So what’s the point in all these histrionics?”
“Just keeping in practice,” he shrugged. “Being an outraged black guy is a significant part of what I get paid for, you know. Besides, it’s nothing compared to the grandstanding the Republicans have been doing about this – threatening to cut off federal funding to cities that don’t allow their police forces to cooperate with Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and talking about five year prison sentences for undocumented workers who get caught in the United States more than once. And those Republican demagogues just keep right on spouting that nonsense, even though the ACLU, every major Latino civil rights organization and plenty of local police chiefs have all denounced it.”
“Not to mention plenty of Democratic mayors,” I added.
“Yeah, but here’s Ted Cruz,” Mohammed noted, “getting up on the floor of the Senate and saying that anybody who opposes the ideas in S2146 is standing with violent criminals!”
“Typical Tea Party hyperbole,” I observed. “He’s just pandering to the public outrage about that deranged Mexican who had been deported five times, came back a sixth time to the sanctuary city of San Francisco and shot a young white female tourist. You have to admit, the Republicans would have to be nuts to pass up an opportunity to engage in some serious demagoguery about something like that – it’s got everything, now doesn’t it? Beautiful, innocent dead girl victim; world-famous venue for the crime scene; crazy, murdering illegal immigrant…”
“Undocumented worker!” he snapped.
“…crazy, murdering undocumented worker,” I continued, “and a city full of liberals to blame for the tragedy. It’s the perfect recipe for an emotion-driven election year issue, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” he ruefully admitted, “it’s freaking dynamite, no doubt about it. Which is why I’m here, Collins. Liberal Democratic city mayors need some kind of counter-strategy to this thing. American cities simply can’t function without federal dollars.”
“Of course not,” I agreed. “Without federal grants, how could liberal Democratic mayors hand out enough patronage to stay in office?”
“Oh come on,” he groused, “quit jerking my chain, okay?”
“Well,” I reminded him, “it’s not like the Republicans don’t realize that um… undocumented workers… in big Democratic controlled cities don’t know how to vote early and often.”
“And it’s not like you don’t know how to chafe my [expletive], either,” he grumbled. “Come on, Collins, give me a break. I mean, how are we supposed to compete with something like ‘Kate’s Law’ tugging at the heartstrings of a gullible demographic segment of undecided voters in an election year? It’s a plain fact that misery runs downhill, and if the Republicans get more seats in the Senate and the House this election cycle by blaming cities run by Democrats for the country’s immigration problems, then when the federal money finally does get cut off, who’s going to suffer? The urban poor, that’s who, and guess what – most of them are natural-born US citizens, and black, too, by the way. We need an antidote for this demented Tea Party bull [expletive], Collins, and we need it bad. What have you got?”
“The liberal Democratic mayors of the sanctuary cities should double down,” I recommended.
“You mean, like in black jack?” Mohammed inquired, a puzzled expression spreading across his face.
“That’s the analogy,” I confirmed.
“Double down? How?” he pressed, leaning in toward me for emphasis.
“Don’t just tolerate the presence of undocumented aliens in your sanctuary cities,” I explained, “flat out invite undocumented aliens to come. And be specific about it.”
Mohammed knit his brow uncertainly. “Specific? What are you talking about?”
“Cambridge and Boston have a lot of colleges, for example,” I offered, “so they should invite all the undocumented alien teachers, academics, and professors to come live there. San Jose has Silicon Valley, so it should invite all the undocumented alien computer geeks to come and find a nice place to set up their laptops. New York City has Broadway, so it should invite all the undocumented aliens who like to sing and dance. New Orleans and Baltimore are famous for their cuisine, therefore they should invite all the undocumented aliens who want to become chefs. Milwaukee enjoys international renown for beer and cheese, so it should invite all the undocumented aliens who want to become brew masters and artisanal cheesemakers. Washington DC is the center of our government, of course, so Mayor Bowser should invite all the undocumented alien political scientists, lawyers, economists and policy wonks.”
“Okay,” Mohammed murmured as he slowly nodded his head, “I get it, sort of. Um… what about San Francisco?”
“It should invite all the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender undocumented aliens, of course,” I replied, “that’s what they call a complete no-brainer.”
“And what about the… ah… socialists?” Mohammed wondered.
“Undocumented alien socialists and commies,” I opined, “ought to have plenty of choices – there’s Berkley and Oakland in California, Burlington and Middlebury in Vermont, Portland, Oregon, Taos, New Mexico, Amherst, Massachusetts, St. Paul, Minnesota and Takoma Park, Maryland.”
“And the whole point of this is,” he implored, throwing his arms wide in a gesture of helpless befuddlement, “what… may I ask?”
“To get the Republicans really, really upset,” I declared.
“Upset?” he guffawed. “Damn, Collins, what you’re suggesting is going to drive them crazy as a pillowcase full of whorehouse bedbugs! There’s no telling what they might say or do in reaction to that!”
“Certainly not with any exactitude,” I conceded, “but I think we could rely on reactions so extreme and absurd as to… you’ll excuse the expression… alienate… every voter who isn’t a Tea Party True Believer. I suggest you drive them over the brink and let their own insanity be their undoing.”
“And you think,” he wondered aloud, all the while eyeing me skeptically, “the Association of American Liberal Democratic Mayors is going to sign off on this idea of yours?”
“If they don’t,” I confidently stated, “dare them to come up with a better one.”
“Okay,” Mohammed sighed as he broke out his Samsung Galaxy, “let me get all this down.”
“No need to bother,” I advised. “Instead, let me prepare a comprehensive list of suggested pairings between types of undocumented aliens and suitable sanctuary cities that should start inviting them to come make themselves at home.”
“That would be great,” Mohammed proclaimed with a broad smile. “When can you have it ready?”
“Well,” I observed, “if I were to devote the rest of the time booked for this consultation to preparing it, I could have Gretchen send it to you in an encrypted email before lunch.”
“Excellent,” he chortled as he put away his tablet and rose to leave. “Let’s do that.”