Early last Friday, Gretchen received a call from the Herman Cain campaign, who displayed a respectable amount of organization by booking a telephone consultation for their candidate on Tuesday morning.
Cain: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: At your service, sir.
Cain: Oh, I do like the sound of that.
Tom: I am truly gratified to hear you say so, Mr. Cain.
Cain: You’re at my service, huh?
Tom: In a manner of speaking, yes.
Cain: You’re at my beck and call?
Tom: I suppose you could put it that way. How can I help you?
Cain: I say “jump,” and you say “how high?”
Tom: Excuse me?
Cain: I say “step and fetch it,” and you say “yowsa, yowsa, boss?”
Tom: Um… perhaps I should clarify my statements. How can I advise you concerning economic, technological, foreign and/or political policy? That’s what I do.
Cain: Oh. Okay. In that case, let me think here for a minute…
Tom: While you’re at it, may I ask how you learned about me?
Cain: Alan Keyes recommended you.
Tom: Hmmm… that figures.
Cain: What?
Tom: I must remember to thank him for the reference. What’s on our mind?
Cain: Well, as you probably know, since I won the Florida straw poll, I’m the latest phenomenon in the Republican presidential contest.
Tom: Congratulations.
Cain: Thanks. I guess you know that the latest CBS News / New York Times poll says about me?
Tom: That you’re the front runner in the hearts and minds of Republican voters, with twenty-five percent, eclipsing both Mitt Romney and Rick Perry.
Cain: Yep, as of today, I be the man, no doubt about it! I surged ahead on the basis of my charismatic personality, my brilliant thinking and my innovative ideas…
Tom: Not to mention your remarkable modesty…
Cain: Right – and now I’m looking to take the Republican nomination by storm.
Tom: So I have been told.
Cain: Have you seen my campaign ad?
Tom: As a matter of fact, I got an instant message about it three hours ago and, of course, watched it immediately.
Cain: So what do you think?
Tom: Well, like most people, I’m not exactly sure what to think.
Cain: You’re not? How come?
Tom: Because… Mr. Cain, you had Mark Block… your… um… campaign manager… go on camera and tell the world that you’re going to put the “United” back in “The United States of America.”
Cain: Yeah, so?
Tom: It’s not… ah… actually missing, you know.
Cain: Are you kidding me, huh? Of course I know it’s not missing! That’s like… what you call it…
Tom: Rhetoric?
Cain: Yeah!
Tom: No, I’m afraid it’s not.
Cain: It ain’t?
Tom: No.
Cain: Okay, then, what is it?
Tom: Uh… not to put too fine a point on it, Mr. Cain, it’s a well known fallacy called a non sequitur.
Cain: “Non sequitur,” that’s Latin, isn’t it?
Tom: Yes.
Cain: In that case, I’m not the least bit worried about any Republicans figuring out that it’s a fallacy.
Tom: No, I don’t suppose you should. But then the video goes on to present, in the space of thirty seconds, a truly remarkable sequence of other logical fallacies, several of which don’t have fancy Latin names. The next thing Mr. Block says is, “If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be here.” That’s a classic case of the fallacy of argument by dismissal. Next, he says you’ve run a campaign like America’s never seen, and that figures, because America’s never seen a candidate like Herman Cain. That’s the fallacy of argument by scenario. Then he concludes by saying, “Together, we can take this country back.” Take it back from whom? That’s nothing more or less than a blatant, ham-handed application of the logical fallacy of misdirection. After which, he pointedly blows smoke at the camera. Seriously, Mr. Cain, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear your video was an Internet hoax made up by a political satirist out to discredit you.
Cain: Well, it’s not, so get over it. Look, the reason I called you is about the problems I’ve been having with my tax reform plan. As I’m sure you know, 9-9-9 is central to my public appeal.
Tom: Yes, I do – you want to replace the current seventy-two thousand pages of United States tax laws and regulations…
Cain: That’s one point three million pages!
Tom: Ah… sure… the myriad estimates on that matter vary considerably, depending on one’s definition of “tax law,” “tax regulation,” and the information content of a “page,” but to be certain, any way you look at it, the US tax system is huge, cumbersome and, without a doubt, incomprehensible to anyone without several years of highly specialized post-graduate training.
Cain: Absolutely! And my new 9-9-9 plan will fix all of that.
Tom: That’s very encouraging news. Tell me, is it true that you got the idea from the 2003 edition of the on-line virtual reality game Sim City? It seems that the default tax plan for a Sim in that game was nine percent on personal income, nine percent on corporate income and nine percent on sales.
Cain: No, that’s not where I got the idea. It’s just a coincidence, that’s all.
Tom: So where did you actually get it?
Cain: It’s a long story. Back when I was CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, I attended a Godfather’s Executive New Pizza Flavor and Style Tasting, where our research and development department laid out their latest results for me and the other members of upper management to experience. There was Chicago style deep-dish Gorgonzola stuffed crust pizza; Japanese edamame and wasabi topped soy bean crust pizza; Dixie fried chicken and red-eye gravy pizza, Chinese double-cooked pork gluten-free rice-flour pizza; jalapeño, chocolate, caramel and sea salt gourmet French butter croissant crust breakfast pizza; and dessert pizzas, too, yum – Graham cracker crust meringue-topped key lime pizza, pecan-pie pizza, sweet potato pie pizza, and my personal favorite, frozen waffle sugar cone crust black walnut ice cream with hot melted marshmallow topping! There were dozens of new and innovative interpretations of the pizza concept, and I made sure to go there nice and hungry so I could try them all. And after that, when I got home, there was nothing worth watching on TV, so I went to bed early and then woke up in the middle of the night with a new and innovative idea of my own – a nine-topping, nine-slice large pizza, prepared in nine minutes, all for only $9.99!
Tom: Interesting, but I don’t seem to recall ever seeing that item offered for sale at Godfather’s Pizza.
Cain: Yeah, I know. That’s because the numbers didn’t work out, unfortunately.
Tom: Which numbers?
Cain: Well, research and development found that getting nine equal slices out of a round pizza is a nearly impossible geometric problem, and the only practical solution would be to provide every Godfather’s outlet with a totally separate set of square pans so that we could slice the pizza using two cuts each way to achieve a three-by-three split. But then, our marketing department weighed in and said that square pizza slices remind consumers of public school cafeteria pizza, which they associate with low quality ingredients, tough, rubbery dough and absolutely terrible flavor. After which, accounting told us that nine toppings for $9.99 leaves practically no profit margin, and, last but not least, the culinary engineering department determined that preparing a square, nine-topping large pizza and getting it out of the kitchen to the customer within nine minutes is a logistical nightmare. So I decided that, while 9-9-9 was obviously a great idea for something, it probably didn’t apply to pizza. But – what do you know – when I decided to run for president, and I was ransacking my brain for a tax plan…
Tom: That’s when “9-9-9” came roaring back?
Cain: Exactly! But here’s the problem – even though 9-9-9 is proving to be extremely popular with the public, there’s all these nitpicking egg-heads trying to shoot it down. First, they complained that, instead of being revenue-neutral, it would cut federal tax collection in half. To which I say, so what? Maybe I made a little mistake there – big deal. Besides, I think most folks would love to see federal taxes cut in half, don’t you?
Tom: I think most folks favor lower taxes and higher government spending…
Cain: Right! Good for them!
Tom: … and fail to see the contradiction.
Cain: Well, why should they bother? It’s not like rich liberals pay them huge salaries to pick apart Republican tax policies, now is it? Then, after that, these academic think-thank yo-yos cooked up some numbers that say 9-9-9 would triple taxes on poor people!
Tom: Ah, yes, I believe they did. And you disagree?
Cain: Disagree-schmizagree, whatever. I fixed that by saying forget about poor people having to pay anything at all!
Tom: That’s very compassionate of you.
Cain: You bet it is – compassion’s my middle name!
Tom: Um… how would you exempt poor people from paying the nine percent national sales tax?
Cain: Oh, I don’t know, I’m still working on that; maybe give them a card that says they’re officially poor or something. Anyway, so then, some other ivory-tower intellectuals crunched some more so-called “economic statistics” and came out saying that 9-9-9 would lower taxes on the rich and squeeze the middle class like they never been squozed before, and I had to fix it again! And, come to think of it, you’re one of those people, aren’t you?
Tom: One of which people?
Cain: You know, one of those people who read too much and think too much, and do a lot of math and always say that things are so complicated when everybody knows there ought to be simple answers regular folks can understand – that kind of person.
Tom: Okay, I guess so.
Cain: Yeah, you’re one of them, all right – not only did Alan Keyes tell me you’re one, but I know just from talking to you for a few minutes, you’re one of that kind of person. So, can you tell me why people like you can’t stop asking sneaky questions and doing sneaky calculations and poking sneaky holes in nice, catchy ideas like 9-9-9? Why can’t you just mind your own business, huh? If you’re all so smart, why don’t you come up with your own tax reform plan that will fix everything and let the people of the United States decide if it’s better than mine?
Tom: Okay then, if I may be so bold as to speculate about “people like me,” I suppose, first of all, it’s because we believe in an objective reality that cannot be influenced by what human beings think, fantasize or wish would be. Secondly, we don’t believe that practice of religious dogma ought to govern human behavior, especially scientific inquiry. And third, we’re sophisticated enough to realize that while the simplest explanation is the most likely, unlikely things happen all the time, and, in many cases, the true explanation can be quite complicated.
Cain: Oh, really? All meaning what, pray tell?
Tom: In your case, meaning that, in all likelihood, “9-9-9” really is the solution to a problem – just not the problem of United States federal tax policy.
Cain: All right, then, what problem is 9-9-9 a solution to, instead?
Tom: Mr. Cain, “9-9-9” just happens to be the ultimate formula of a balanced, all-purpose liquid plant fertilizer for home gardens, landscaping, new growth management and stunningly beautiful, prize-winning roses.
Cain: Damn! Any way I can work that into my campaign?
Tom: If you could run for Secretary of Agriculture, maybe. Otherwise, I can’t see how.
Cain: A fertilizer formula! So that’s what it was! All right, at least I know what’s up with that now. Thanks. But on second thought, how about the subliminal appeal? If it sounds like a miracle fertilizer formula, then probably, on some level or another, subconscious and all, it’s going to sound like a miracle tax plan too, right?
Tom: You’re the marketing genius, Mr. Cain, you tell me.
Cain: Okay, I will! Yeah, now that you mention it, that’s probably the reason 9-9-9 took off in the first place!
Tom: On that point, I will yield to your superior authority in the field. And given that, it doesn’t seem to me that you have much to worry about.
Cain: No?
Tom: I should think not. The American public has always been noted for its inability to distinguish between political promises and… fertilizer.
Cain: Wow! That’s right! Next stop, the White House! Excellent! Outtasite! Yeah! Fantastic, how much do I owe you?
Tom: Mr. Cain, until you get to the White House, it will be my pleasure to advise you free of charge.
Cain: Now that’s what I’m talking about! Thanks!
Tom: And thank you. Good bye.