We’ve never had an August day like this before in Washington, and we probably won’t ever again, either – with temperatures reminiscent of early fall and absolutely gorgeous breezes and sunshine. Too bad I had to work inside, normally this time of year I’d be grateful for the air conditioning. But Gretchen and I were at our posts in my downtown DC office nonetheless – my advice has never been more sought after and business, as well as life, are very good indeed. We worked on Saturday, of course, because I was booked solid Monday through Friday this week and likewise today, when Jesse Benton started calling, asking for a telephone consultation, at around 9:30 in the morning. Gretchen kept putting him off and finally got him to agree to call back at four-thirty.
Benton: Hello? Tom Collins?
Tom: At your service, sir.
Benton: Oh, great, yes, hi there. I – that is, um… I’ve been told…
Tom: That I offer free initial consultations?
Benton: Uh, yeah. Is that true?
Tom: It is.
Benton: Great, because your rates, my God…
Tom: My clients get what they pay for.
Benton: I guess they’d better.
Tom: They must, because they keep coming back. May I ask where you got my office telephone number?
Benton: Sure – Ron Paul gave it to me. I’m, um… married to this granddaughter.
Tom: Congratulations.
Benton: And I was chairman of his 2012 presidential campaign.
Tom: Yes, of course, I must remember to thank Congressman Paul. Very well, so – how can I help you today, sir?
Benton: Um, well, as you probably know, I’m currently the campaign manager for Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.
Tom: The longest-serving United States senator in Kentucky history.
Benton: He is – and I’m very, very proud to serve him in my capacity as his campaign manager. He’s a great man, descended from a genuine Revolutionary War hero, and deserving of several more six-year terms in the US Senate. Being selected to lead his campaign is one of the great honors of my life and I look forward to victory in November of 2014. I believe in Senator McConnell and am 100 percent committed to his re-election, and furthermore…
Tom: Mr. Benton?
Benton: Call me Jesse.
Tom: Okay, sure. Jesse, I think I should point out that I am not, nor have ever been, registered to vote in the state of Kentucky.
Benton: Oh. Sorry, I got a little bit carried away there, didn’t I?
Tom: No problem; although, as the Bard might have put it, methinks thou doth protest too much, perhaps?
Benton: Well, I just, you know, with all the flap this week about that taped telephone conversation… oh, by the way, you’re not recording this, are you?
Tom: No, but I must warn you, I have a photographic memory, and can reasonably be expected to recall every word of this conversation up to ten years in the future. You are, I assume, referring to the telephone conversation between yourself and Dennis Fusaro, which occurred on January 9 of this year?
Benton: That would be correct. But you’ve got to understand the background here. Dennis Fusaro is a hard-core dyed-in-the-wool Libertarian Tea Party conservative, and he believes that while I was Ron Paul’s campaign manager, when he was running against Michele Bachmann for the Republican presidential nomination in Iowa, the Ron Paul campaign paid a cash bribe of $30,000 to Iowa state Senator Kent Sorenson to drop his support of Bachmann and throw it behind Ron Paul, all of which is probably complete fantasy and a pack of utter lies, of course. I have never seen any evidence to confirm it, I am so sure.
Tom: Of course. But despite the fact you knew he had this fatuous ax to grind, you spoke with Fusaro anyway?
Benton: Yes, unfortunately, I did. Not my best judgment call, in retrospect, I admit.
Tom: Didn’t it occur to you that doing so would give him a chance to reiterate his accusations and inquire as to whether you have any knowledge of them?
Benton: I don’t know anything about that! And I told him so, and said that if he has any credible evidence, then I want see it and he should mail it to me, because I’ve got shared responsibility in this matter. So if Fusaro has proof, I’d like to take action on it.
Tom: Very noble sentiments.
Benton: Thank you.
Tom: So while you discussed these obviously baseless allegations of his, Fusaro also complained that you had betrayed your conservative principles by becoming Mitch McConnell’s re-election campaign director?
Benton: He did.
Tom: And you responded by saying, and I quote, “Between you and me, I’m sort of holding my nose for two years because what we’re doing here is going to be a big benefit to Rand in ’16, so that’s my long vision.”
Benton: Hey, you’re good – I guess you really do have a photographic memory. Yeah, that’s exactly what I said, all right.
Tom: Do you mind if I ask, why did you rise to his bait? Why would you care what Dennis Fusaro thinks of you? Why did you bother to respond with an explanation of any sort?
Benton: Duh… I donno. Just one of those things, I guess.
Tom: Well, I certainly hope you learned a valuable lesson.
Benton: Ah… right… um… I guess I sure did.
Tom: Which was?
Benton: Er… um… ah… uh…
Tom: Don’t let your adversary define negative issues about you and then goad you into answering for them.
Benton: Oh. Right. I knew that.
Tom: I’m sure you did. Now, think about it – this guy Fusaro used to work for Ron Paul himself, didn’t he?
Benton: Yeah, he did.
Tom: And he claims to be a big supporter of Ron’s son, Senator Rand Paul, doesn’t he?
Benton: Yes, that’s what he says.
Tom: So didn’t the fact that he was calling you to confirm a story which would obviously tarnish Ron Paul’s image, send up any red flags in your mind?
Benton: Red flags? What, you think I’m some kind of commie?
Tom: No, no, I meant, didn’t the fact that someone who supposedly supports Ron Paul’s son to be President of the United States came to you for corroboration of information obviously deleterious to his father’s reputation make you want to exercise extraordinary caution when engaging with that person as an interlocutor?
Benton: Could you… um… not use so many big words?
Tom: Okay – you know this Fusaro character says he’s a big Rand Paul supporter, and here he is, calling you up to dish him some dirt on Rand Paul’s daddy – you’re telling me you didn’t see anything weird about that?
Benton: Not at the time, I guess.
Tom: But you do now, right?
Benton: Uh, sure.
Tom: So you have learned another valuable lesson.
Benton: Yeah.
Tom: And that is?
Benton: And… that is… um…
Tom: And that is, recognize mixed motives and contradictory loyalties as signs that a person cannot be trusted.
Benton: Not trusted?
Tom: Correct. They cannot be trusted, in general, or, as a specific example, they cannot be trusted not to tape your telephone conversation with them and send a copy of it to the Washington Post.
Benton: Oh. I see. Right. Uh-huh. But what’s up with Dennis Fusaro, anyway, do you think?
Tom: I think he’s just your basic nutcake trouble maker with a taste for politics. They’re not peculiar to the right wing, you know.
Benton: Really?
Tom: The lefties have plenty of them too. And all successful politicians – and their operatives, I might add – know how to spot one and how to deal with them, and my recommendation is, you put some serious effort into learning those skills.
Benton: I bet you wouldn’t have put it that way if I was paying for this.
Tom: Yes, I would.
Benton: But – putting it like that makes me look… um… sorta stupid and ignorant, doesn’t it?
Tom: If the shoe fits, wear it.
Benton: Okay, I’m not saying my recent actions couldn’t be… you know… interpreted like you say, but that kind of delivery isn’t exactly going to get me chomping at the bit to call you back, is it?
Tom: It’s not my job to make people feel like they should call me another time; it’s my job to give them honest advice when they’re calling this time.
Benton: Oh.
Tom: Anything else I can do for you?
Benton: Well, it’s just that everyone is saying that I’ve gone and given Mitch’s opponents a ready-made campaign commercial aimed at defeating him, you know?
Tom: Something like, “FADE IN to a darkened room. A tape recorder lies on a bare table. A hand wearing a black leather glove appears, and pushes the START button. The recorder’s tape reels begin to move, and Jesse Benton’s voice proclaims, ‘Unfortunately, a lot of the Beltway conservatives don’t practice what they preach.’ A SECOND VOICE responds, ‘But isn’t Mitch McConnell a big-time Washington conservative insider? If you believe that, why are you working for him?’ BENTON: ‘Between you and me, I’m sort of holding my nose for two years, ‘cause what we’re doing here is going to be a big benefit to Rand in sixteen, so that’s my long vision.’ THIRD VOICE: ‘What about that $30,000 payoff?’ BENTON: ‘I don’t know anything about that…’”
Benton: Stop! Stop! Enough already! I get it. You know, it is truly sick that someone would record a private phone conversation I had out of kindness and use it to try to hurt me.
Tom: You know, that quote has some campaign ad possibilities, too.
Benton: For McConnell, you mean?
Tom: No, for his opponents.
Benton: Look, I think we’ve gotten out ahead of that – as soon as this mess hit the media on Thursday we got the staff together and decided to send out an Instagram of me and Mitch on Twitter, just to show that even though I could see the hurt in his eyes when he found out about it, all is forgiven and we’re good buddies, just like we always have been.
Tom: And the rumor about the pose?
Benton: What rumor?
Tom: That it was spontaneous. That actually, you were holding your nose because Mitch McConnell has the worst old man smell in the United States Senate.
Benton: Huh?
Tom: They say it’s bad enough to knock a seagull off a garbage truck, you know.
Benton: Um…
Tom: And then, they say, one of the twenty-somethings on your staff took a look at the picture and came up with, “RT if you agree: Nothing smells worse than #Obamacare! #NoseGate” for @Team_Mitch.
Benton: I really can’t confirm or deny…
Tom: You can’t… or you won’t?
Benton: Oh yeah? Well then, let me suggest something, buddy – why don’t you try standing next to Mitch McConnell? Then you tell me!
Tom: Okay, I might try that. But not on a full stomach.
Benton: All right, that does it! Thanks for your advice, Mr. Collins!
Tom: Call me Tom.
Benton: Okay, Tom – goodbye!