At 9:25 AM on Thursday morning, I welcomed Tyrone Mohammed Nguyen Garcia-Vasilescu, principal lobbyist for the Association of Independent American Taxi and Limousine Operators, which is headquartered here in Washington DC, to my office for a consultation. His appointment was for nine o’clock, and to say he was in a state of extremely ironic high dungeon would be an understatement.
“Would you believe,” he inquired as he plunked his ample frame on the couch in front of the picture window overlooking the White House and slammed his Louis Vuitton briefcase on the coffee table, “that I couldn’t get a cab?”
“During rush hour, in this city,” I assured him, “absolutely. That’s hardly unusual – even if it isn’t raining cats and dogs. You didn’t call ahead?”
“My administrative assistant forgot to schedule a limo,” he fumed. “So I had to run out of the office onto the street at half-past eight and try to hail a taxi.”
“Oh, that explains it,” I remarked.
“Explains what?” Garcia-Vasilescu asked.
“Well,” I replied, “Let’s face it – Your offices are in Northeast DC on the wrong side of Seventh Street in the middle of Shaw; and your Armani suit, Gucci shoes and Burberry umbrella notwithstanding, you don’t look very white.”
“I’ll have you know,” he protested, “that Shaw is developing a very prestigious reputation – on both sides of Seventh Street, and our offices are located in an excellently constructed and lavishly restored four-story mansion originally built in 1887! You should see the exquisitely re-pointed nineteenth century brick masonry, the authentic period revival ironwork, the skylights, the genuine Bauhaus stained glass, and the indoor garden atrium, not to mention the floor-to-ceiling mirrors and rock pool waterfall in our lobby!”
“Very impressive, to be sure,” I dryly responded. “What can I do for the AIATLO today?”
“It’s those [expletive] [expletive] little [expletive] snots at [expletive] Uber!” he spat. “And those [expletive] [expletive] nose-picking geeks at [expletive] Lyft! They’re bankrupting every taxi and limousine service in the United States! Who the [expletive] do they think they are, anyway?”
“They know who they are,” I corrected.
“Which is what?” he challenged.
“Technological thugs,” I said.
“Technological thugs?” he repeated in a mystified tone.
“Technological thugs,” I confirmed. “Nothing new about it, that’s for sure. It dates back to the very beginning of the personal computer revolution. Once Pandora’s box had been opened, and computer technology was unleashed on an unsuspecting and unprepared society, all sorts of opportunities arose to exploit that technology in new ways that amounted to theft, assault, rapine and plunder, but which, by virtue of the novelty involved, were not yet illegal. America Online, for example, started out as an Internet bulletin board service, or BBS, and quickly grew rich by providing a legal means for pornographers and pedophiles to ply their evil ways. Napster became huge by blatantly violating copyright laws worldwide and spawned dozens of imitators that were actually very profitable. Web sites like Silk Road routinely exploit loopholes in scores if not hundreds of laws to enable the activities of technological thugs of all stripes, as do ones like Craig’s List. Then there are the aggregator sites, like Huffington Post, that make a business out of ripping off legitimate wire services and journalists without appropriate remuneration. The list is long and sordid, and each time, the moral of the story is the same – legislators and courts are completely clueless about technology. So if you have some shady, dishonest, illegitimate scheme – like operating a gypsy cab racket, for instance – and you can figure out how to do it using personal computers, the Internet, the Web and/or mobile devices, don’t worry about getting busted – just go ahead and do it! Act as if, since you are operating on-line, any law you find inconvenient or unprofitable to obey simply doesn’t apply to you. And you will have no problem reaping huge piles of cash doing your shady, dishonest, illegitimate business, because by the time the law catches up to you, you’ll have so much money, you will be able to afford to hire the kind of attorneys that can beat up the government’s underpaid legal hacks without even breaking a sweat. And at that point, whether or not you are a lying, thieving, swindling crook will be entirely a matter of semantic interpretation. Hey, it worked for Bill Gates, didn’t it? No reason it shouldn’t work for the technological thugs who founded Uber and Lyft.”
“Well,” he shrugged, “I’m not going to maintain that the American taxi and limousine industries where founded by choir boys. But hell, on average, our members operate about thirteen shifts a day – that’s between four and five cabs or limos, tops. Not only do they have to purchase and maintain their cars and vans, they typically have over one hundred thousand dollars invested in taxi medallions or limousine permits – licensing devices intended to limit the number of passenger-carrying vehicles in the issuing jurisdiction – for each one. Oh sure, taxi medallions started out selling for more or less nominal fees at the time they were first issued, like maybe ten dollars, but that was in 1910 or 1920. So yeah, maybe ten dollars then was like a hundred dollars now, but these days, that same taxi medallion goes for over a million in some cities and even buying the right to drive a taxi in Podunk can set you back over seventy grand. And those [expletive] [expletive] scum bags at Uber and Lyft are collecting money for rides in those same cities and towns, all over the country, but not one of their vehicle owners – or them – has ever had to shell out a dime for a taxi medallion or limousine permit! And what’s worse, now [expletive] Uber has hired one of Obama’s flunkies to come here to Washington and justify that!”
“You mean David Plouffe,” I surmised.
“Yeah, that [expletive],” Garcia-Vasilescu affirmed. “Uber says they need a Washington insider on board to fight what they call ‘the big taxi cartel’ as if the AIATLO – which, frankly, just is a big bunch of guys and a few gals with half a dozen cabs each trying to make an honest living for them and their drivers and maybe a dispatcher or two – were some kind of filthy-rich [expletive] like OPEC! Those [expletive] punks at Uber have the [expletive] gall to call us a ‘cartel’ when it’s obvious what they want to become is a [expletive] monopoly? What do you think?”
“I think,” I advised, “That if you’re going to argue your humble nature, maybe you should re-think those sumptuous headquarters of yours. Perhaps operating out of an abandoned one-story cinder-block auto repair garage on upper New York Avenue might be more… appropriate. After all, one shot of your lobby with the garden atrium, the mirrors, the Bauhaus stained glass and the waterfall, broadcast on cable TV news and Joe Sixpack is going to think you’re just an OPEC for pushy, get-over immigrants who talk too fast and have an innate propensity for getting inexplicably lost for half an hour three blocks from their destinations.”
“The garden atrium and the Bauhaus stained glass,” he huffed, “aren’t in the lobby. And a trade association isn’t anything remotely like a cartel. And nearly fifty-two percent of our members are US citizens or have green cards. And our members don’t talk too fast – their passengers listen too slow, okay? And our members only get inexplicably lost three blocks from their destinations on nights with very, very rotten business volume.”
“We’re talking optics here about your headquarters,” I noted, “not about the reality. The two very frequently have very little to do with one another. And certainly, I agree, no way is the AIATLO anything like a cartel. But that’s not going to matter if David Plouffe says you are and says it enough times in front of enough TV cameras.”
“All right,” Garcia-Vasilescu sighed, “If that is what you think it takes to keep David Plouffe from smearing us for being fat cats, I’ll advise the board to investigate how we can get out of our lease and sign another one on some kind of dump even Ralph Nader or Morris Dees wouldn’t move his office into. But what are we going to do about Plouffe and his strategy to fight regulation of Uber by manipulating the government here in Washington? My members are paying outrageous money to insure their drivers according to strict standards, because they are legally required to do so in order to operate a taxi or a limousine. He’s out to get the Federal Trade Commission on Uber’s side and make Uber’s drivers exempt! Then, while my members will continue to pay tens of thousands per driver per year as an expense, Uber will get to buy any kind of cheap, shoddy insurance it wants, that is, if it has to buy any at all! And Uber will get to keep the difference as an expense reduction, and you know where those go – straight to the bottom line, as pure profit! This bastard Plouffe is going to get Congress to make my membership – composed of thousands of small businesses, struggling to get by – subsidize a greedy, ravenous, amoral pack of billionaires out in Silicon Valley! Holy [expletive], Tom, how cynical can a person get? Can you believe this guy Plouffe is a Democrat? I mean, really, Tom, show me a Republican who’s doing a better job of [expletive] the working man up the [expletive] with no [expletive] Vaseline than the one David Plouffe is out to do to the taxi drivers of America!”
“When they are put in a corporate board room,” I observed, “both Republicans and Democrats behave exactly the same. Money is the universal solvent into which any political philosophy can be thoroughly diluted.”
“The AIATLO has money, too, you know,” he growled. “Our membership knows they’re fighting for their livelihoods, and they’ve stepped up to the plate. We have a war chest filled for the battle. But what should we spend the money on?”
“Develop some apps,” I advised.
“Apps!” he exclaimed. “You mean, like my daughter downloads on her iPhone?”
“Yes,” I confirmed. “Exactly like that. Uber and Lyft depend on apps. The user downloads an app to their smart phone, then uses it to find available cars and rides to share in their area, determine destinations and summon a ride to their location which will take them to their destination for a known price. They even have apps that let the user pay for all their rides on a monthly basis with a credit card. Plus, they have apps that integrate with other apps people who travel use, such as airline and hotel booking sites on the Web. The taxi and limousine industry needs to not only start pushing out free apps that match the capabilities of the ones Uber and Lyft users have, you guys need to start giving away innovative apps that do stuff Uber and Lyft haven’t even thought of yet that make riding a taxi or hired limousine a better experience and a better deal.”
“Um… yeah… I guess so,” Garcia-Vasilescu murmured, staring fixedly into the empty space between himself and the left hand corner of my desk. “But… ah… at the moment… I can’t say as I can think of…”
“Of course not,” I interjected. “You’re a lobbyist representing a trade organization. That’s not your job. What you need to do is get some experienced mobile app designers working the problem for you.”
“Okay,” he nodded, “where can I find some of them?”
“I can contact a few,” I told him. “And write a high-level statement of work for them to bid on and submit with a technical proposal.”
“But… but,” he stammered, “who’s going to review the technical proposals? You?”
“No,” I chuckled. “My brother Rob Roy would be much better at that and he’s been bugging me for some consulting work for months. Seems his salary as a senior software developer at Whizzonator-YoYoDyne Information Systems isn’t quite keeping up with the cost of living in Falls Church these days.”
“Okay,” Garcia-Vasilescu agreed, “the taxi and limousine industries start releasing competing apps to push back at Uber and Lyft in a coordinated manner. We still got this David Plouffe thing. What do I need to do different on Capitol Hill, on K Street and in the Federal Triangle?”
“You’re a pretty good lobbyist, Tyrone,” I reassured him. “I’m not going waste time telling you things you already know. My only suggestions for changes aimed at dealing with Plouffe’s strategy would be to start targeting federal officials for bigger campaign donations, even if that means cutting back on the money you give to your traditional political candidates at the local level. But keep the funding steady, or even increase it slightly, at the local level for two or three big cities in the states whose representatives or senators are on key committees where the crucial decisions are being made and make sure your membership in those cities gets the mayor or some influential alderman or councilman here to Washington when important votes come up to remind that representative or senator about the interests of the hard working legitimate taxi and limousine operators back home.”
“Right,” he concurred, hunching forward on the couch and raking me with piercing gaze. “What else?”
“One thing that comes to mind,” I noted, “is not so much about what Uber and Lyft are doing to the taxi and limousine industries, as it is about what Uber and Lyft are doing to each other.”
“Which is what?” he wondered.
“Both of them,” I related, “claim that the other one has employees who book fake rides where nobody is there when the car shows up, or book rides and then cancel them at the last minute.”
“Oh,” he grinned mischievously, “I get it. We need to have our drivers use all that time they spend waiting on taxi stands to send Uber and Lyft drivers all over town for nothing.”
“Exactly,” I concluded. “So once you retain a suitable mobile developer, make sure that’s the first app you tell them to write.”