As the Memorial Day weekend hails the start of summer in America (yes, the Rest of the World, I know summer actually begins in June in the Northern Hemisphere, but the last weekend in May is when we Yanks traditionally get our first beach sunburns and barbecue heartburns of the year) those of us not totally preoccupied with having some fun during the scant ten days of vacation and five holidays most Americans get (if they’re lucky) usually take a moment to think of our honored military heroes who gave the last full measure of devotion so that we could, well, celebrate Memorial Day for instance.
The mad dash to cram as much frivolity, shopping, partying and general carousing in with a respectable measure of solemn ceremony recognizing the sacrifices of our military leaves time for little else. But some folks nevertheless managed to spend some of theirs over the three-day weekend worrying about what the jury in Donald Trump’s lurid little business fraud trial might decide. As I write this, the media talking head consensus is about sixty to thirty-five odds for conviction over a hung jury with a five percent kicker for acquittal. Las Vegas, for their money, is giving +175 that he’s getting convicted of at least twenty-five of the thirty-four counts against him. One never knows about juries, though, and if there’s just one of them who’s a MAGA plant, it’s a hundred percent certain Trump will declare the resulting mistrial to be a complete exoneration. My personal take on whether New York will try him on the same charges again if that happens is even money.
Jail time for the type of felony Trump is on trial for is rather rare, however – white collar crime, first offense and all that. Unless there are aggravating factors, naturally. But with respect to that, it should be noted, Trump has managed to rack up a record that would, at the very least, stand a good chance of getting a juvenile tried as an adult: ten counts of contempt of court. And no sooner had his lawyers finally convinced him that the judge was serious about locking him up if he did it again, he followed that with the tried-and-true Mafia intimidation tactic of filling the courtroom with mob soldiers and underbosses for the jury to look at.
Of course, in Trump’s case, the thugs weren’t the bunch of thieves, pimps, extortionists, heroin pushers and murderers some Gambino capo might put in the gallery to watch his trial – no, Trump’s bunch was much lower than that. Last week, Judge Juan Merchan’s Manhattan courtroom was infested by the worst, most debased human scum of the earth – MAGA Republican politicians who want to be his vice-presidential running mate. The crowd of lickspittle lackeys vying for Trump’s blessing included Senator Rick Scott, Senator JD Vance, Senator Tommy Tuberville, Representative Byron Donalds, Governor Doug Burgum of North Dakota, and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. Minor toadies abounded, too – Vivek Ramaswamy, Kash Patel, Will Schaf, as well as Representatives Mary Miller, Matt Gaetz, Andy Biggs, Bob Good, and Nicole Malliotakis; the list of pathetic sycophants appeared endless as they packed the place to standing room only.
In an interesting consequential incident, this had a curious fallout for some of the House members who made the trip to New York from Washington to demonstrate their groveling fealty to Trump. Pursuant to the MAGA House Republicans official Crackpot Agenda, the House Oversight Committee had scheduled a meeting at 1:00 PM on May 23 for purposes of determining whether to hold Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt of Congress for, well, being a Democrat, basically. Because several members were in the Big Apple sniveling on their knees before their Dictator at that time, however, the meeting had to be rescheduled for 8:00 PM, much to the aggravated irritation of the committee’s Democratic members.
This annoyance boiled over when, upon the opening of the meeting that evening, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene initiated the proceedings with an extended raving diatribe about the Trump trial, dutifully spouting the slanders and lies about the jury, the witnesses, and the judge’s relatives that Trump himself was legally forbidden to utter, having those libels, by virtue of her position, read into the Congressional Record. When Democrat Jasmine Crockett took the floor momentarily to inquire as to the relevance of Representative Greene’s remarks to the business at hand, Ms. Greene made a sarcastic remark that perhaps Ms. Crockett, who is black, couldn’t read the meeting materials because her big ghetto-style Afro false eyelashes were in the way. A vigorous cat fight between them then ensued, with Democratic representatives Jamie Raskin and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tag-teaming Greene with some snarky interjections, culminating in Ms. Crockett calling for Ms. Greene’s remarks to be stricken from the record.
Republicans control the committee, however, and the committee chairman, Representative James Comer from the hayseed, redneck racist state of Kentucky, refused to do so. Upon which, Ms. Crockett requested clarification as to whether, therefore, if, hypothetically, someone on the committee were to voice an observation about another member’s “bleach blond, bad-built butch body, that would not be engaging in personalities, correct?” The hypothetical big-boned, horse-faced, hairy, Sasquatch-footed retard referred to in that question was, of course, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia’s fourteenth Congressional District. Her appearance is such because nobody from that godforsaken backwoods, hillbilly-infested patch of weeds jammed up between Tennessee’s butt and Alabama’s armpit can manage to keep their hands out of their cousins’ underpants. The whole thing went viral, naturally, complete with T-shirts emblazoned with Ms. Crockett’s tart phrase, which quickly became a meme, and gasping social media posts of indignation from left-wing lesbians criticizing her for politically incorrect speech. What an interesting point of meditation for Memorial Day – if the boys in those landing boats on D-Day knew that this is what the US Congress would be up to eighty years later, would they have stepped out onto Omaha Beach?
Lucky for us they didn’t know, I guess, or I might be writing his in German. Meanwhile, in New York, muzzled by gag orders and deathly afraid of how he would look in an orange jumpsuit, Trump scribbled his vitriolic rants and passed them back to his throng of obsequious henchmen, who dutifully took them outside the courtroom and read them to the press as if the words were their own. Later in the week, they took to creating original libelous content themselves, spinning personally invented slanders and lies pertaining to the jury, the judge’s family, trial witnesses and others about whom Trump himself was forbidden to speak, which Trump would edit, embellishing their earnest works with his own signature hyperbole and bloviation. Thus was the public subjected to a parade of GOP grandees proudly parroting their Great Leader, his inchoate word salads echoing from their mouths before scrums of befuddled journalist in the halls of 100 Centre Street and the US Capitol as well.
[NOTE: On Thursday, May 30, 2024 Donald John Trump was convicted on all 34 felony counts in his so-called “Hush Money” trial. When we contacted Tom for a comment to include in this update, he said, quote, “If he serves a single day in jail for this conviction, I will eat my hat. It’s a straw hat, so it will be feasible to do so if I am wrong, and I have a delicious recipe for the occasion provided by ChatGPT.” – The Friends of Tom Collins]
Babbling, rambling, scatterbrained rants thickly laced with paranoia, prejudice, fantasy, wishful thinking, bigoted dogwhistles and insane conspiracy theories are by no means unique to Donald Trump, of course. On the contrary, they are becoming more or less the lingua franca of common discourse these days, and there are masters of the art whose skills in that department far surpass the disgraced, twice impeached, four-times-indicted, defeated former president. Take Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example. He began bothering Gretchen for a telephone consultation three days prior to the long holiday weekend and after we discussed it, I asked her to book him for this afternoon, while, most appropriately in my estimation, the closing arguments in Trump’s fraud trial were being presented.
RFKJ: Hello, Tom Collins?
Tom: This is he.
RFKJ: This is Robert F. Kennedy, Junior.
Tom: Pleased to meet you, if only over the telephone. How may I be of assistance?
RFKJ: Well, first, I’d like to get your take on a few points relevant to my first term in office as president of the United States.
Tom: Um… that’s hardly a foregone conclusion, sir. Wouldn’t it be somewhat… premature… to address such issues at this time?
RFKJ: Not as I see it.
Tom: Duly noted. What issues concern you?
RFKJ: Okay, first of all, when I’m president, I intend to be very active in foreign policy. Kennedys are always big on that, you know.
Tom: Of course.
RFKJ: So – are treaties with the Lizard People a domestic or international matter?
Tom: Lizard People?
RFKJ: Yeah, the Lizard People. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of them.
Tom: Ah, yes, I have, actually. It was just… somewhat unexpected.
RFKJ: Well, I’m full of surprises, so you’d better get used to it.
Tom: Understood.
RFKJ: All right then, so?
Tom: So… what?
RFKJ: Who should negotiate with them – the Interior Department, like they’re some kind of indigenous tribe, like the Hopi or something, or the Department of State, like they’re a foreign power?
Tom: I see. Do we know if the Lizard People populate any territory outside the borders of the United States?
RFKJ: They live underground!
Tom: Yes, but do they live underground beneath, say, Mexico or Canada as well as under the United States?
RFKJ: They’re everywhere! But so are a lot of things, you know, like vaccines!
Tom: I’m not sure I follow.
RFKJ: What follows is, they’re another big issue. I thought you were suppose to be really smart.
Tom: I’m not sure how to respond to that, but as far as the Lizard People question goes, I’d say that you should deal with the ones living under the United States with the Interior Department and the ones who live under the ground elsewhere as one or more foreign powers, depending on their governmental structure. Do we know anything about that?
RFKJ: They have a monarchy. There’s a Lizard King.
Tom: And under what place in the world is his court located?
RFKJ: It’s secret.
Tom: Okay, well, then, until the location of the Lizard People’s seat of government can be determined, I’d say the United States should deal with the ones living under territories other than ours through a Lizard People Special Interest section at the United Nations, with an Undersecretary of State for Lizard People Affairs appointed by you, the president, to represent the US to the Kingdom of the Lizard People, and that you, the president, should create a Lizard People Liaison Office in the Department of the Interior to coordinate with the State Department in Lizard People domestic and international policy decisions and administration.
RFKJ: All right. And what about vaccines?
Tom: Indeed. What about them, sir?
RFKJ: What are the appropriate federal penalties for possession and use of vaccines?
Tom: Penalties?
RFKJ: Yeah, penalties! On Day One, I plan to issue an Executive Order making possession or use of vaccines a federal crime!
Tom: Um… I’m not a lawyer; nevertheless, however, I can’t help but wonder whether that might not be a legal order. That is to say, career members of the Justice Department may invoke their duty to refrain from obeying illegal orders, and…
RFKJ: You let me worry about that! The federal government has knowingly allowed the pharmaceutical industry to poison an entire generation of American children! Heads must roll! What are the appropriate penalties for me to put in that Executive Order?
Tom: That would depend on what Federal Drug Schedule your Executive Order places them on.
RFKJ: Schedule?
Tom: Yes, well, ah… the current regulatory structure for… um… pharmaceuticals… has three schedules. There’s Schedule 1, with drugs like marijuana, heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and magic mushrooms that have no medical value; Schedule 2, with drugs like cocaine, methamphetamine, oxycodone, Adderall, Ritalin, and Vicodin that have significant potential for abuse, but do have legitimate medical uses; Schedule 3, with legitimate drugs like codeine, ketamine, anabolic steroids, and testosterone with lesser addictive or habit forming properties; and, Schedule 4, with drugs like Xanax, Soma, Darvocet, Valium, and Ambien which are recognized as problematic, but have widespread legitimate medical uses.
RFKJ: Schedule 1, definitely.
Tom: Okay, Schedule 1 it is, then.
RFKJ: That’s good, now I’m getting some useful advice.
Tom: I’m extremely gratified to hear that, sir.
RFKJ: All right, then, now – how do I structure a federal investigation of the US program to develop ethnically targeted microbes in Ukraine?
Tom:
RFKJ: Well, speak up! Covid-19 is targeted to attack Caucasians and Black people! The people who are most immune are Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese! The US put hundreds of millions of dollars into ethnically targeted microbes! Laboratories in Ukraine collected Russian and Chinese DNA so we can target people by race!
Tom: Um…
RFKJ: Listen – the Covid-19 virus was genetically engineered! It was clearly a bioweapons problem! My first term in office will have a federal investigation to get to the bottom of all of that!
Tom: Understood. Ah… in that case, I would recommend a highly coordinated joint task force comprised of qualified experts from the NIH, FBI, CIA, CDC, NSA, DIA, DHS, NAS and DOD BDP.
RFKJ: DOD BDP?
Tom: Department of Defense Biological Defense Program. They are the foremost experts on biological weaponization.
RFKJ: All right, let me write that down… uh, NIH…
Tom: FBI, CIA, CDC, NSA, DIA…
RFKJ: CIA… slow down!
Tom: CDC… NSA… DIA… DHS… NAS… and… DOD BDP.
RFKJ: All right, got it. So, now – I need some advice on how to structure an Executive Order to investigate the link between Prozac and mass shootings.
Tom: Prozac?
RFKJ: Correct! Prior to the introduction of Prozac, we had almost none of these events. Now we’re getting them all the time!
Tom: Prozac causes mass shootings?
RFKJ: Of course it does! What else could it be?
Tom: Isolation due to social media? First-person shooter video games? Ready availability of assault rifles and oversized ammunition clips?
RFKJ: What, are you crazy? It’s Prozac! Now, tell me how to prove it with a federal investigation!
Tom: Um… I assume you know, the purpose of an investigation is finding causes, as opposed to proving preconceived notions?
RFKJ: Not in my administration! Make with the advice, already!
Tom: Oh, all right, then. First, you’ll need to mandate a statistical study of existing mass shooting events to establish a correlation between use of Prozac and commission of mass murders with firearms and definitively determine the strength of that correlation with at least a ninety-five percent level of confidence…
RFKJ: And what if they don’t find anything?
Tom: Well, you won’t know one way or the other until the study results are in, naturally. If it doesn’t establish a correlation at the necessary level of confidence, then the next phase would be to conduct a longitudinal population study of Prozac to determine if there is a statistically significant incidence of violent or suicidal behavior associated with its use and…
RFKJ: How long would all this take?
Tom: Several years.
RFKJ: To hell with it then. I’ll just make Prozac illegal, like I’m going to do with vaccines.
Tom: Well, I suppose that would work, too.
RFKJ: Okay, now how do I structure a task force to investigate chemtrails?
Tom: Take that list you just wrote down, cross off “DOD BDP” and write “FAA” there instead. Then do the same thing with “NIH” and “NOAA” and the same thing again with “CDC” and “NASA.” Otherwise, same process.
RFKJ: Good. Nice short answer that time. That’s the kind I like. Okay, now, you know my running mate, right?
Tom: Nicole Shanahan.
RFKJ: She’s loaded, you know. Got a huge pile in her divorce settlement with one of the geeks who founded Google.
Tom: So I’ve heard.
RFKJ: And she really, really wants to be vice-president.
Tom: It’s good to know she’s motivated.
RFKJ: So, look, Collins, she gave me this list, see? It’s all the people on the Internet that have some pull, you know? People on YouTube, people on Facebook, Instagram, Tik-Tok, influencers on X, people like you, with blogs that get lots of clicks, lots of eyeballs, know what I mean?
Tom: I’m on this list?
RFKJ: Right.
Tom: And what about the people on this list?
RFKJ: Well, Nicole’s got more money than God, you know what I mean?
Tom: Good for her.
RFKJ: And… all right, I’ll cut to the chase. How about we give you a million dollars to say something positive about me and Nicole in every one of your blog posts between now and the election in November?
Tom: You’re telling me, you read Tom Collins’ World Wide Web Log?
RFKJ: No, but I’ve been told a whole lot of other people do. That’s what the money’s for, see?
Tom: Sorry, I’m not interested.
RFKJ: Why the hell not?
Tom: Number One, I have integrity. Number Two, I already have plenty of money.
RFKJ: What, you couldn’t use an extra million bucks?
Tom: Not if it meant betraying my readers.
RFKJ: What are you, some kind of idealist? This is politics we’re talking about here!
Tom: Sir, I am well aware that your grandfather bought off the West Virginia delegation to obtain the 1960 Democratic Convention presidential nomination for your uncle, but Kennedy money’s no good with me.
RFKJ: Oh, come on! It’s not Kennedy money, it’s Nicole Shanahan’s money!
Tom: Same difference. No deal.
RFKJ: Okay, your loss then.
Tom: Not a problem.
RFKJ: Pretty good advice, anyway.
Tom: Thanks.
RFKJ: And the price was right, that’s for sure.
Tom: Free initial consultations are the keystone of my marketing plan.
RFKJ: Right. Speaking of which, since you’re so honest, tell me what you think of my prospects in the election.
Tom: You haven’t got the chances of an ice cube in Hell.
RFKJ: Really? What makes you say that?
Tom: Because you’re complete a nutcase with a dead worm in his brain that gave himself mercury poisoning eating too much tuna fish who has been completely denounced as a hopeless lunatic by every single member of his family.
RFKJ: Hey, nobody’s perfect.
Tom: True.
RFKJ: At least I’m better than Trump, right?
Tom: Compared to Trump, you’re a stable genius, unfortunately.
RFKJ: Gee, thanks.
Tom: You’re welcome. Anything else I can do for you today?
RFKJ: Ah… yeah… okay, so, you’re going to keep this conversation out of that blog of yours, aren’t you?
Tom: Why should I?
RFKJ: What the [expletive]! Now wait a minute, you [expletive], this is a Kennedy you’re dealing with here, and you better…
Tom: ‘Bye!