On January 6, 2021, the United States of America shocked and amazed many idealistic people everywhere by suddenly appearing to be revealed as nothing more than a very large banana republic, afflicted with its very own star-spangled version of Juan Perón, braying and boasting, exhorting his followers to overthrow the national government and proclaim him Fearless Leader and Dictator for Life. Fortunately, Lady Luck intervened, saving Dame Liberty, if not from rape, at least from a protracted, brutal and sloppy gang-bang that violated her ever orifice, at the hands of a mob comprising a cross-section of the demented, the misguided, the ignorant, the moronic and the hopelessly bigoted segment of American society that call themselves the supporters of Donald John Trump.
As bad as it was, there is no doubt about it, things could have been considerably worse. The Trumpistas, in accordance with The Donald’s orders, were hellbent on lynching Vice President Mike Pence, for example – members of the mob erected a very serviceable wooden gallows which they had brought to the US Capitol for just that purpose, and it would, presumably, have been considerably worse had they succeed in making him do the necktie dance at the end of that expertly knotted noose. Old White Mike, however, aptly demonstrated his manifest talent for hightailed skedaddle in typical Hoosier style, narrowly escaping his would-be hangmen as he scurried into an underground tunnel like an Indianapolis sewer rat. The aroused rabble also desperately wanted to confiscate the certificates sent to Congress by the several States, verifying the legitimate results of their honest elections and burn them on the steps of the Capitol. But that aspiration too was likewise thwarted when a quick-thinking Democratic staffer spirited the documents out of House chamber at the last moment before the insurrectionists broke through the doors. And, of course, this pack of seditious lunatics was fanatically determined to murder as many members of Congress representing the Democratic Party as they could take prisoner, subject to their summary judgment and sentence to what they called “execution” for various imaginary crimes. In that endeavor, though, they were hindered by the cover inadvertently provided by the mad dash of Republicans seeking their own places to hide – well, those Republicans who were not complicit in the treason plot, anyway.
And as has been extensively reported by virtually every news outlet on the planet since then, Donald Trump’s attempted coup was followed by his second, truly historic impeachment, which is expected to be followed by his second, truly historic trial before the US Senate and then to be followed by his second, truly historic acquittal. That last historic event, regrettably, is expected by virtue of the requirement that sixty-seven senators are necessary to convict him and the very strong probability that there are not seventeen Republican senators sufficiently unafraid of him and his followers to do so. This, despite having spent several hours skulking in tunnels, under desks and behind doors with heavy oak tables stacked against them, trying to avoid being accosted and very probably shot or beaten to death by a fulminating crowd of MAGA dupes. And taking no chances, the inauguration of Joe Biden as President on January 20 saw the Nation’s Capital turned into an armed camp on a par with the Iraq Green Zone in 2008 – or Kabul during the installation of Hamid Karzai.
With such commotion here in Washington, I was naturally expecting a call sometime this month from my brother-in-law Hank Pawlikowski up in his West Virginia End Times survival compound, but I was nevertheless in for a surprise when my land line rang today around 4:30 PM.
Hank: Hello? Tom?
Tom: Right here, Hank. How are you doing?
Hank: Actually, that’s why I called. You remember how I called you in early December about people in the survival community here having problems and and you figured out we had cases of covid?
Tom: How could I forget?
Hank: And how I had to drive everyone with covid to the nearest hospital as quick as possible?
Tom: Sure. I take it you recovered from your case of covid-19, then?
Hank: It was kinda rough going for a while, but yeah, I got over it, mostly. Still can’t taste or smell much of anything and I’ve got this strange buzzing, thumping sound in my ears now and then, but at least I’m conscious and walking around and talking and stuff.
Tom: That’s good, at least, I guess.
Hank: But covid’s why I called you, in fact. It’s about Shannon.
Tom: Really? What about Shannon and her case of covid?
Hank: The night of December 9, she got so bad the doctors had to put her in a chemically-induced coma.
Hank: Oh, hell yeah – tubes and wires coming out of her all over, too. That machine that goes “beep” and has all the numbers and the wiggly lines on it like you see in the movies – the whole nine yards. I called her family in Chicago to let them know about it and how the doctors were telling me if we didn’t have Blue Cross Blue Shield Ultra Premium Plan or a [expletive] load of cash money she was going in with the Medicaid patients, and good thing I did, because her mother told her brothers and sisters about it and how if Shannon or me or somebody couldn’t pay for remdesivir, convalescent plasma and a dose of monoclonal antibodies, she was gonna die for sure, and so they all chipped in major big time to save her.
Tom: It’s nice to have a large white-lace Irish family, no doubt about that.
Hank: Especially that younger brother of hers who’s a major player in the Chicago construction industry – eighty grand in one pop!
Tom: Hmm… so what was the final bill?
Hank: Well, she’s not entirely out of the woods yet, but so far it’s just over two hundred and fifty thousand.
Tom: Makes paying three dollars for a KF94 mask look cheap, doesn’t it?
Hank: Okay, okay, I admit, Tom. You were right and we were wrong.
Tom: But we weren’t differing on who’s going to win the Superbowl – this covid business is life-and-death business; I hope you realize that now.
Hank: Yeah, yeah, understood – don’t rub it in, okay? Look, the reason I’m calling you is that I’m here in her hospital room; and that’s okay, see, because I’ve had covid and recovered from it, and the doctors said I could, and there’s a nurse here who’s about to give Shannon a shot to bring her out of that coma, and I wanted you to be on the speaker phone with me and her when she does.
Tom: Really? Why?
Hank: Because I’m not sure how she’s going to… you know… handle things… when she comes out of it.
Tom: What things?
Hank: Um… all kinds of things, I guess… look, Tom, there’s not much time to explain, okay? The nurse just gave her the shot a couple of minutes ago, and she’s waking up right now!
Tom: Oh, okay. Can she hear me?
Hank: Just fine. Shannon? This is Hank… are you…
Shannon: I know who the [expletive] you are, Hank! What happened? Where the hell am I?
Hank: Uh… you passed out at the compound while you were making scented candles, remember?
Shannon: Not really.
Hank: Actually, you were conscious for a while after we put you in bed. You sure you don’t remember that?
Shannon: Can’t say as I do. So I passed out? What? Yesterday?
Hank: No, not yesterday. You were… in a coma.
Shannon: A coma? [Expletive]! How [expletive] long was I in a [expletive] coma?
Hank: Um… well…
Shannon: Come on, spit it out! What [expletive] day is it?
Hank: It’s January 25, 2021.
Shannon: The [expletive] end of [expletive] January?
Shannon: I see. So that means I missed the Storm – the arrests, the trials, the executions, the whole thing! Did President Trump catch them all, or did some escape to Canada, Mexico, Europe and South America with the aid of the Zionist Occupation Government? Did Biden and Harris confess to drinking babies blood before they were hanged? Did the Proud Boys and the Boogaloos manage to rescue all the child sex slaves from the Democrat perverts? Did they nail Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi for infantile cannibalism? Did they manage to apprehend George Soros, or is he still hiding in a mountain fortress, protected by legions of jackbooted thugs in black helicopters? Have CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, the Washington Post, the New York Times and the rest of the lame-stream media been shut down and their babbling lib-tard talking heads and scribbling left-wing reporters been thrown in jail? Did the Patriot Tribunals sentence Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow to the death penalty or life in solitary confinement without the possibility of parole? Is martial law still in effect? Did…
Hank: Well, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Shannon; I think you should just relax, breath deeply and…
Shannon: Relax? What the [expletive] do you mean, “relax?” According to you, I just woke up after being in a [expletive] coma for nearly seven weeks! How much more [expletive] relaxation do I [expletive] need? How many Democrat scumbag politicians did the Oath Keepers stand up in front of the firing squads? Tell me how those [expletive] [expletive] pieces of [expletive] Chuck Schumer and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez died!
Hank: Um… actually.., they’re still alive, and…
Shannon: What the [expletive] do you mean, “they’re still alive?”
Hank: Well… they’re… still alive. And there weren’t any Oath Keeper firing squads.
Shannon: No firing squads eliminating the Socialist and Satanist enemies of the people?
Hank: No, not really.
Shannon: You mean, they let all those Democrat pedophiles and evil members of the lame-stream media live after they rounded them up and arrested them?
Hank: Actually… uh… nobody rounded up any Democrats or, um… members of the… uh… media.
Shannon: Well, why the hell not?
Hank: Because… ah… well… um… because there wasn’t any Storm.
Shannon: No Storm? After all the planning and preparation on 4Chan? After all the Facebook posts, YouTube videos and tweets? After all the organization, all over the country? How the [expletive] is that even [expletive] possible?
Hank: I donno, exactly. President Trump tried to start it, but… well… things didn’t exactly work out the way QAnon said it would, see… and…
Shannon: What the [expletive] do you mean, “It didn’t exactly work out the way QAnon said it would?”
Hank: Okay, well, um… I’ve got Tom on the line here, and…
Shannon: Tom Collins Martini? Your lib-tard [expletive]-wad brother-in-law? That Tom?
Hank: Yes. I called him just now.
Shannon: To listen to me when I woke up from my [expletive] coma? You called him for that?
Hank: Um… not just to listen. To talk, you know.
Shannon: To talk about [expletive] what, may I ask, for [expletive] Jesus Christ’s [expletive] sake?
Hank: Well… uh… how you feel… I guess… you know… about… there being… no Storm… and stuff. And Tom’s not a lib-tard, or a [expletive]-wad, either; you know that. Be nice.
Shannon: “Be nice?” What do you mean, “be nice?” Somebody tell me what the [expletive] is going on here, then maybe I’ll be [expletive] nice!
Tom: Hello? Shannon? How are you?
Shannon: Well, what do you [expletive] think, Tom? At the moment, I’m totally [expletive] [expletive] off and can’t tell what the [expletive] is going on! Is the country still locked down by the fake news corona virus pandemic?
Tom: It’s not fake news, Shannon.
Shannon: Trump said it’s a hoax!
Tom: Well, he was lying, okay? As a matter of fact, you’re in the hospital right now because you contracted covid-19.
Shannon: That can’t possibly be true! If I had to go to the hospital, then it must have been for something else! Food poisoning… the flu… Lyme disease… something like that!
Hank: Listen, Shannon, the doctors told me – you had covid-19.
Shannon: Then they are just another part of the Deep State Conspiracy!
Tom: All of them?
Shannon: Yes, of course, all of them! The Deep State Conspiracy is everywhere! It’s behind the stolen election, the millions of ballots that appeared out of nowhere and the rigged Dominion voting machines! It orchestrated the false flag attacks carried out by government traitors and the crisis actors they hired to portray victims at places like Sandy Hook and Las Vegas! It was the DSC that engineered the Pizzagate coverup conducted by the covert liberal operatives who infiltrated the DC Police! What the [expletive] happened, damn it? Didn’t Trump reveal the CIA’s top secret dossier about the Lizard People who are behind it all? Hey… wait a second… come to think of it, I know what’s going on here… this isn’t really happening… It’s just a nightmare, that’s what it is… One, two, three, wake up! One, two, three, wake up! Wake up! Wake… up! Wake… up!
Hank: Shannon, this is real, okay?
Shannon: Wake… up! Wake… up! [Expletive] it! Wake the [expletive] up!
Tom: Hank’s right, Shannon. You’re not dreaming. This is real.
Shannon: Wake... the [expletive]… up! Wake… the [expletive]… up… now! Now!
Tom: You are awake, Shannon.
Hank: Please, Shannon, listen to me, okay?
Shannon: Oh [expletive]! This is [expletive] real, isn’t it? [Expletive] me! It’s [expletive] real! At least tell me Donald Trump is still President, God damn it!
Hank: Uh, actually, Joe Biden…
Hank: … was sworn in on January 20…
Shannon: No! No!
Hank: … and Trump’s in Florida…
Shannon: No! No! No! This isn’t happening! No!
Tom: And Trump was impeached again.
Shannon: What! You mean – twice?
Tom: Yes. In his last days in office. For a second time.
Shannon: No! No! The nation is still in the hands of pure evil! The Lizard People have won! I can’t live like this! Nurse! Put some morphine in that syringe and inject it into my arm! Come on, God damn it! Kill me! Kill me!
Tom: May I suggest that perhaps a sedative would be appropriate at this point?
Shannon: Kill… me! [Expletive]… kill… me, for Christ’s sake!
Hank: Nurse, could you ask the doctor if…
Nurse: That won’t be necessary, Mr. Pawlikowski.
Shannon: [Expletive]…. kill… meeeeee!
Hank: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Shannon: I… said… [expletive]… kill… me… uh… ahhhhh…
Tom: It got mighty quiet over there all of a sudden.
Nurse: I gave her some phenothiazine. Mr. Pawlikowski, we should let her rest now.
Hank: How long?
Nurse: About two hours. Why don’t you have supper and wait in the cafeteria until then? I’ll come get you when she wakes up and make sure that a psychiatrist, an internist, an orderly and a social worker are there. Say goodbye to your friend on the telephone.
Hank: Uh, yeah, okay. ‘Bye Tom. Talk to you later.
Tom: Okay, take care, Hank. Nurse?
Tom: By the way, before I go: do you routinely keep that stuff on hand for situations like this?
Nurse: We do. There have been quite a few cases lately, in fact.
Tom: QAnon disillusionment syndrome?
Nurse: Exactly. They’re not usually in a coma, of course. Most of the time, either their relatives or the police bring them in. We’ve had several each week since January 6.
Tom: Oh, really?
Nurse: I’m afraid so. This is West Virginia, after all.
Tom: Well, thanks for your assistance. It’s going to be a long road back for her, apparently.
Nurse: For all of us, sir. Have nice day.