Breaking News: Carlson Gets Tucked

As Beltane arrives here in the Washington suburbs, the honeysuckle and feral azaleas bloom and the deer in my back yard retreat into the protective, enveloping Virginia woods to drop their fawns, forsaking the sugar beets and carrots I have the lawn service put out for them to nibble. Meanwhile, everyone in America wonders if the next time they open the door of the car they believe to be that Uber they summoned with their smart phone, the next time they follow their Waze or Garmin to a house they haven’t visited before, or the next time they ask their new neighbor to keep to the noise down, will they get shot? It seems to be the all the rage lately, quite the current fad – everyone’s doing it, apparently, taking out their Glock, Mac daddy, 12-gauge or AR-15, shooting first, asking questions later, and letting the chips fall where they may.
And speaking of throwing caution and common sense to wind, downtown a pair of very stubborn, very self-righteous and very Irish gentlemen, a Mr. McCarthy and a Mr. Biden, are engaged in a ritual contest which commenced with the obligatory braggadocio, followed by an equally mandatory exchange of insults and compulsory comparison of manly endowments and finally culminated in an extended staring contest, the object of which is the debt ceiling of the United States. That problematic concept, signed into law in 1917 as part of a political deal to pass the Second Liberty Bond Act which, in turn, was necessary in order to finance that famously successful campaign to make the world safe for democracy and forever put an end to armed conflict known as US involvement in World War I, has since proved to be perhaps the most versatile and ridiculous football in the annals of American politics, rivaled only by abortion, gun control and recreational drugs. What those two sons of Erin are engaged in, of course, is a time-honored traditional Kabuki theater play performed in Washington every time the debt of the United States approaches the latest number to which Congress last raised its lawful limit. That started out as $9 billion in 1917 ($212 billion today) rising to a current value of $31 trillion in 2021. As things are going at the moment, the curtain will fall on the stylized dance and wailing dialog of the latest cast of characters in the next few weeks. What’s worrying the comic operetta daimyos, samurai and shoguns residing inside the Beltway this time, however, is that this particular Kabuki might end up being theater vérité, with the actual climax being the default of the United States on its sovereign debt. And should that happen, well, as they say in Ireland, tubaiste airgeadais.
The gentleman who visited me this morning, had his own problems, however. That was a Mr. Alexander Stephens Galt, who, pleading capture in his own dire financial straits, availed himself of one of my now nearly legendary free consultations. He began annoying Gretchen with requests for an appointment promptly at 9:00 this morning, and finally got one for 1:30 PM, due to a last-minute cancellation by a Sudanese diplomat who, rather than paying me a visit to ask for advice on how to save his country from perdition, decided to spend the afternoon visiting the State Department to ask for asylum instead. I had just returned from lunch at the Capital Grille when she informed me Mr. Galt was waiting on hold, so I went into my office, relaxed at my desk, and picked up the phone.

Tom: Mr. Galt?
Galt: Yes, Mr. Collins! It’s a such pleasure to speak with you.
Tom: Thanks. The feeling is mutual. How can I help you today?
Galt: Uh… well, I work… that is, I used to work in broadcasting.
Tom: Oh, really? Where?
Galt: Fox News.
Tom: I see. Did you, by any chance, lose your job there recently, then?
Galt: Um… yeah… very recently. I worked for Tucker Carlson.
Tom: And when they fired him, they let you go, also?
Galt: Unfortunately, yes.
Tom: What did you do on his staff?
Galt: I was one of his researchers. And he used to say I was the best, too.
Tom: You were a researcher for Tucker Carlson? What was that like?
Galt: I worked from home, mostly, surfing the Internet, finding things for Tucker to use in his broadcasts.
Tom: Finding things like what?
Galt: Oh, it was like… ah… I’d find something, like, um… say, the Air Force is updating its flight suits so the body armor fits women better, right?  I would take that, and I’d do a write up for Tucker on that about how that’s the weak Biden administration feminizing the armed forces and suggest a tie-in contrast with how masculine the Chinese are, building up the world’s largest navy. And of course, I’d leave out the part about how that Air Force program started out under the Trump administration, because, like Tucker said, we only need the facts our viewers want to hear. Then I’d spec out a photo shoot with a female model wearing a fake pregnancy belly in a flight suit for his assistants to create that would be shown while Tucker was talking about it.
Tom: Interesting. So, you had a strategy, I take it?
Galt: Definitely. I’d try to find stuff Tucker liked to talk about – you know – conspiracy theories, misogyny, Islamophobia and white supremacy. And for each such category, I’d research the best talking points by the most rabid adherents and put together bulleted lists of sound bites for Tucker to use in his monologues. Basically, when I saw somebody saying something like “those people don’t use toilet paper, they don’t wash their hands, and then they all eat food off the same plate with their fingers,” on the Internet I’d just tweak it a little bit and pass it on to Tucker’s assistants for polish and insertion at the appropriate place in his show.
Tom: So your product was customized to a particular point of view, then?
Galt: Exactly! I’d search the Internet for anecdotes which demonstrate that Tucker’s search for the truth offends the plutocracy, and doing that makes him a wanted man. He loved that stuff, because playing the victim was an essential part of his on-screen persona. And I’d cruise all the best racist, fascist, isolationist, anti-semite, xenophobic and misogynist chat rooms and discussion threads for meaty sound bites that Tucker could use. I’m the one who came up with “immigrants make our country poorer, and dirtier and more divided” – I found that one in a xenophobe sub-Reddit. It was a real bombshell, remember? And when he got criticized for it, I found, “those who won’t shut up get silenced, you’ve seen it a million times” in a white supremacist chat room on 4Chan and “I plan to say what’s true until the last day, and the truth is immigration has badly hurt this country’s natural landscape” in a QAnon thread on Facebook. I got, “diversity is a threat to our existence as a cohesive country” from Telegram and “Western civilization is our birthright,” from Gab. And I got “we have every right to fight to preserve our nation, our heritage and our culture” from Stormfront. Actually, the original was a little less punchy and a bit too specific – “we must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children,” but Tucker loved my re-write. Plus Twitter was a real gold mine. It was great for stuff like, “the leftist elites are creating a caste system in America,” “I don’t want to live in a country that looks nothing like the one I grew up in,” “you should always trust your gut, it’s the one thing that will never betray you,” “there are no secular countries – every country has a religion because every person has one, including atheists; the problem is, the fastest growing religion in America today is transgenderism,” “democrats get their votes by importing people from other countries and making them dependent on the government,” “George Soros selects liberal prosecutors who oppress white people,” “airlines are ignoring safety regulations to hire unqualified black pilots to satisfy diversity requirements,” “the libs want to force parents to let their children get sex changes or get arrested for a felony if they refuse,” “castrate your children – that is the message,” “the Democratic Party speaks with a North Korean accent,” “the point of Top Secret document classification isn’t to protect America from foreign enemies, it’s to take power from the voters and hand it to the bureaucracy in Washington,” “carjacking is the clearest sign that American society is falling apart,” and “the Manhattan District Attorney has decided that prosecuting burglaries is a form of white supremacy” all came from monitoring Twitter feeds.
Tom: So you focused primarily on domestic content?
Galt: Oh, no, not by a long shot. For example, I’d check out all the Russian-controlled sites for material Tucker could use for his isolationist speeches and to glorify dictators, because Fox viewers love dictators and are highly isolationist, and the Russians are a great source for that kind of stuff. I got “the Washington elites set out to provoke a war with Russia in Ukraine,” and “the Biden administration is using Poland as a ‘cutout’ for its war against Russia in Ukraine,” from RT, for instance. And I got “American sanctions on Russia will backfire and destroy the dollar as the world reserve currency, and “the Washington elites are forcing America into an obscure conflict in Eastern Europe in which they have no national interests” from TASS. And when the FAA NOTAM system crashed, I found the conspiracy theory that it was hackers ransoming Bitcoin from the Biden Administration, Canada and the Philippines on NewsFront. Tucker did a whole segment based on that.
Tom: So basically, you’re the one who gave Tucker Carlson three million viewers a night and total dominance in the twenty-five to fifty-four year old male demographic.
Galt: Well, I don’t want to brag or anything, but yeah. I had it down to a science, really. Like, when there were the Black Lives Matter riots after the George Floyd killing, I’d go to the chat rooms and gaming sites where the angry white guys would hang out and grab what they were saying about it. I’d pick out stuff like “those people don’t bother to work,” “they don’t volunteer or pay taxes,” “they do exactly what they feel like doing,” “they spray paint their opinions on buildings,” “we have to watch on television while criminal mobs of [expletive] destroy what white people have built,” and, “they don’t contribute to the common good – they never have, but now it looks like these lazy, thieving get-over [expletive] have all [expletive] power,” and then I’d clean it up a bit — you know, take out the explicit references to white people and the N-word and stuff, and send it to Tucker’s assistants, and there it would be, that very same night, in one of Tucker’s speeches – Tucker Carlson telling them the exact same thing they typed into their computers that afternoon. It was utter magic for ratings. Who doesn’t want a major talking head on a major network telling them the exact same things they already think? And who wouldn’t tune in tomorrow night for more of it?
Tom: But, despite all that, he hasn’t called you? From what I hear, networks like Newsmax and One America News are absolutely rabid to sign him.
Galt: I’ve heard that too, but still – here I am, over a week later, and no call from Tucker. And I actually sent Newsmax and One America News my resume, and it’s been… crickets. Maybe they have their own researchers or maybe Tucker hasn’t mentioned me to them for some reason or another… I donno… it is kind of discouraging, considering what I’ve done for the guy. But yeah, that’s why I called you. Because if Tucker doesn’t call me, and soon, I figure I’m pretty much [expletive] as far as applying to work at most journalism media companies – I mean, they’re going to take one look at my resume and see I spent seven years working for Tucker Carlson and then they’re going to delete my email and all its attachments. So – do you have any free advice on how I can find another decent job?
Tom: Well, I wouldn’t exactly call working for Tucker Carlson decent, but I know what you mean. Tell me, what kind of education do you have?
Galt: I have a bachelor’s degree in English from Oral Roberts University and a master’s in history from Pepperdine.
Tom: Okay, in that case, if Tucker doesn’t come through with something for you on his new show, what would you say to a position as a researcher at Hillsdale College history department?
Galt: You could swing that?
Tom: Well, Larry Arnn owes me, shall we say, a favor or two.
Galt: Really? For what?
Tom: Don’t ask.
Galt: Fair enough, I suppose. What would I be doing?’
Tom: As a researcher for the history department at Hillsdale College? What do you think?
Galt: Um… let me guess… I’d be… surfing the Internet looking for stuff the professors could use in their lectures and publications?
Tom: Bingo.
Galt: And the material would essentially be the same kind of content I was providing for Tucker Carlson?
Tom: Nearly identical.
Galt: But… what would a job like that pay?
Tom: I think you’d be pleasantly surprised. Hillsdale has lots of rich, conservative donors who like to see the world through rose-colored revisionist glasses. You’d be poring over postings of historical documentation and analysis from every epoch between the neolithic and the post-modern, justifying slavery, promoting the myth of the Lost Cause of the South, providing arguments for men making decisions about women’s reproductive behavior, gathering evidence for increased firearms ownership and relaxed gun regulation, concocting rationales in favor of lassie-faire capitalism, extolling the virtues of white, Western civilization, praising the benefits of colonialism, portraying the exploitation of the poor as economic wisdom, furnishing proof of Christian superiority, offering validation for discriminatory polices against foreign ideas, cultures and peoples, advocating censorship of literature, art, and ideological expression, and evoking ersatz nostalgia for the fantasy of a better past that never actually existed.
Galt: Wow! Sounds like fun! And I supposed there would be plenty of naive, impressionable young women at a place like Hillsdale, wouldn’t there?
Tom: You bet – and you would be a respected member of the academic community, the guy with all the answers about truth, beauty, virtue and… morality. Plus, a few years at Hillsdale would look great on your resume. After that, you could become a conservative talking head yourself.
Galt: Hey, that’s right, I probably could. But wait a second here – what’s in this for you?
Tom: Oh, let’s just say that Number One, rich conservatives need advice just as much as rich liberals do, and Number Two, one hand washes the other, know what I mean?
Galt: So once I get established at Hillsdale, I should… steer some business your way?
Tom: That would be appreciated, yes.
Galt: Yeah, sure, of course, why not? Get me the job and I will steer every rich, confused conservative I can find right to your door!
Tom: Okay, excellent. So – how much longer do you want to wait for Tucker Carlson to get back to you with an invitation to do research for him in his new position, wherever that might be?
Galt: Hell, you know what? [Expletive] Tucker Carlson! I say, let’s roll!
Tom: You got it! And you know what?
Galt: What?
Tom: I couldn’t agree more. Call my office back tomorrow, then – after lunch.
Galt: Will do! Thanks!
Tom: My pleasure. Goodbye!